watermullen

Diet Update 11

2011-04-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

I lost a few pounds more this week! Just seven more pounds and I will have reached my goal. I'm so close I can almost taste it! However one thing I'm realizing is that although the weight is coming off pretty consistently eating better isn't all that I should be doing right now. I really need to exercise. I know I just keep saying that yet doing nothing about it but still. I don't want to exercise just to lose weight faster, but mostly for my body to feel healthier. I have been feeling exhausted lately and I know that's in part due to being lazy. When I exercise and am more active that stays with me throughout the day. I feel more alert and on top of things and I miss feeling like that. I am really glad that it's almost May and the weather is starting to shift towards warmth and blue skies. It's easy to be lazy when it's dark and cold outside. But in the Spring and Summer I want to play and enjoy the sunshine. Bring on the outdoors!

Things I learned this week:
-Chocolate pudding (especially the Jell-O Mousse Temptations) is delicious.
-I am really enjoy watching The Biggest Loser with Greg every week. After the show last night Greg wanted me to do a "Last Change Workout" with him. Haha.

Current weight: 167.0 lbs
Total down: 17 lbs
Total to go: 7 lbs

Diet Update 10

2011-04-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

I fail at dieting. I haven't been doing it for the last two weeks. I was just burned out and then it was Greg's birthday and I didn't want to worry about it. I did make a delicious dark chocolate cake with lemon cream filling and frosting after all. Yummm. So I took a break and then quickly forgot about eating healthy. And to my surprise I didn't gain any weight! Not even an ounce. So that's a good thing, however that's not what the goal was. The goal was to loose weight, not maintain my current weight. And then my brother recently got into this new diet plan and it got me thinking it was time to stop being lazy and start up again. So that's what I'm doing.

The longer I'm dieting the more I'm realizing how much of a struggle it really is. I think I overestimated myself. It just seems like it shouldn't be that hard but eating is one of my favorite things to do. So eating healthy has proved to be quite the challenge. But I'm not a quitter. Eventually, even if I take a few more "breaks" in between, I'm gonna reach my goal.

Things I learned this week:
-I need to stop taking breaks every few weeks

Current weight: 169.4 lbs
Total down: 14.6 lbs
Total to go: 9.4 lbs

Diet Update 9

2011-03-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting week. My parents were staying with us from last Wednesday through yesterday. So we did a lot of movie watching, video game playing, Angry Bird gaming, tax filing and so on. Basically a lot of sitting around at home. Typically, this is the kind of scenario that causes me to overeat. I spend my couch time stuffing my face with popcorn, cookies, ice cream and other fatty things. But I really feel like it's getting easier for me to stop eating after dinner. I feel fuller longer and I haven't been craving as much sugar as usual.

In fact, I have a pair of pants that I bought for work a few months ago. I wore them a few days ago and I felt like I was wearing a circus tent (slight exaggeration). But I'm not the only one that's noticing a difference. Greg said he can really tell that I've lost weight when he hugs me. And my mom who hasn't seen me since Christmastime said that I look thinner too. I like think to think that they're not just trying to encourage me to keep going but that it's actually working. Slowly but surely my weight is dropping.

Things I learned this week:
-Wearing baggy clothes doesn't look so good but buying new clothes while your on a diet seems like a waste of money.
-Sometimes you just need to take a break from dieting and eat delicious creamy pasta from Alberona's in Fremont. YUM!

Current weight: 169.4 lbs
Total down: 14.6 lbs
Total to go: 9.4 lbs

Diet Update 8

2011-03-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

I still haven't started working out, but I've been eating better and that's a start. Eventually I will start swimming laps again but in the mean time I'm hoping to be able to work out with my mom's XBox Kinect, at least for the next the next few days. My parents are moving back into town and while they apartment hunt they'll be staying with us, as will all of their things, including my moms work out games on her Kinect. It may sound silly but it's a pretty hard workout. There is a neat boxing segment on one of the games that's really fun and very tiring. I also want to get a new bike (mine was stolen back in November) and ride around the city more. The weather is getting warmer and the sun is sticking around. Seattle in the springtime is beautiful and I just want to be outside and play more!

In other news, I hit the half way point this morning! I'm down to 172 which is half way to my goal weight. Once I hit 160 I may reevaluate my plan and shoot for 150, but as of right now 160 sounds perfect. This new weight also means that I'm finally within the healthy weight range for my gender and height! The range for a female 5'10 is 132-173 lbs. :)

Things I learned this week:
-Homemade chili is a great diet food. Very hearty yet low in calories.
-Measuring and counting out food before I eat is a pain but it really helps me keep track. Plus its pretty eye opening to see just how many calories a small amount of chips are.

Current weight: 172 lbs
Total down: 12 lbs
Total to go: 12 lbs

Diet Update 7

2011-03-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

The bad news is I stopped dieting and stopped caring... about 6 months ago. Whoops. The good news is I didn't gain anymore weight these past few months. In fact, I actually lost a bit. Why did I stop dieting? I really don't know. Although I think it has a lot to do with the major changes these past few months. For example, I got a new job and new later hours. It's a lot harder to swim laps when I don't get home from work until 7:30 or 8:30pm. After I eat dinner there's really no time to go to the pool. So I stopped going for the first few weeks of my new job and I just never picked it back up again. Plus when you mix the holidays with my lack of willpower it's never a good situation.

However, a few things have inspired me to pick it back up again. I've been watching The Biggest Loser and am just in awe of their motivation and ability to change. I've also been thinking about having children but have been afraid that my unhealthy habits will prevent us from having healthy children in a few years. And I want to be in good shape. I want to feel more awake and stop being a lazy couch potato. So it's time to get back into the swing of things again.

Things I learned these past few months:
-It's incredibly easy to stop dieting
-If you go about dieting the right way, by eating healthier and exercising, then it's easier to keep the weight off
-Packing a lunch everyday not only saves money but usually keeps you eating better too

Current weight: 174 lbs
Total down: 10 lbs
Total to go: 14 lbs

My Birthday Is Today

2010-10-07T14:55:00.001-07:00

24 years ago today, a 10 lb 3 oz baby was born. That baby was me. Although a chubby baby (give me a break I was 2 weeks late), I had a big heart. From what I'm told I loved being around people, laughing, smiling and rolling around on the ground. Nothings really changed. And in honor of my special day, here is a photo of me as a child. Admit it, I was cute!

Although this past year, my 23rd, had it's hardships, it was probably my best year yet. Since my last birthday I married Greg, traveled to Saint Lucia and learned about the art of coco, moved in with Greg, traveled to Mexico and went snorkeling for the first time, injured myself and had arthroscopic surgery on my knee and ended it all with a sweet job offer! It's been a year of big changes and I'm really looking forward to seeing what this next year brings. :)

Diet Update 6

2010-10-06T09:19:00.001-07:00

Another week has passed and it's time for an update. I had a bit of a bad week. I worked very hard exercising yet I managed to gain wait over the weekend! Ugh. I guess that's what I get for eating Thai food while helping friends moves, followed by fatty pizza with Greg and a wedding the next day. Dieting is so frustrating like that. I worked hard and ate well 5 days in a row and 2 measly days messed it all up. But I still managed to loose a bit this week, thank goodness.

Anyway, this past week (Wed-Tues) I burned 1,970 calories! That's more than last week! I definitely felt like I worked harder so I was pretty excited to see that. These calories were burned by walking nearly 2 hours, riding my bike 17.5 miles, swimming 50 minutes, and helping friends move.

This past week's bike ride was from our apartment in Queen Anne to the stadiums south of downtown. Luckily, like last week, this was a relatively flat bike ride. Highly recommended. Riding around in the city is pretty fun, especially at night. Even though it's a city, Seattle is pretty different from New York City at night. Unlike the city that never sleeps, Seattle is pretty dead past sunset. There aren't very many cars out, the pedestrians are minimal and everything is pretty well lit, which makes riding a bike pretty safe. Greg hurt his arm playing soccer this week and is unable to ride a bike right now. I don't really want to go without him so I'm not sure if I'll go on a ride this next week. We'll see.

Things I learned this week:
-It doesn't matter how hard you work out at the beginning of the week if you're just going to throw it all away at the end.
-Chicken ceasar salads with fresh parmesan cheese and PCC croutons are delicious

Current weight: 177.2 lbs
Total down: 6.8 lbs
Total to go: 17.2 lbs

I Got A New Job!

2010-10-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

Big news! After months of interviews, background checks, waiting, waiting and more waiting, I was finally given the job offer today! I am now the newest member of the Everest College family! I'll be helping new students get set up with loans and financial aid in their finance department and I couldn't be more excited.

After I accepted the offer this afternoon I quickly gave my two-weeks notice to my boss and have been telling everyone ever since. My last day at my current job will be next Friday and I'll start my new job the following Monday. Not much time in between but they're in a hurry to get me trained.

I'm not going to lie, I'm a little nervous about the new job. Not only will I have to get to know an entirely new group of people, but the job itself is more demanding than my current position. But I know I will be good at it and I'm really looking forward to getting started.

Best things about this new job: I wont be a receptionist anymore, I'll get to work with my friends, no more "uniform," I'm getting a 16% pay increase and I'll get some new experience in an area I'm actually interested in. YAY!

Diet Update 5

2010-09-29T08:45:00.000-07:00

This past week has been very encouraging. Since my last update (5 days ago) I burned 1,679 calories, which is more than a whole days worth of calories for me. I went on a few short walks, rode my bike 15 miles and swam laps at the pool twice. I can't believe I rode my bike that far. I rarely ride my bike anymore but Greg kept pushing me to go further. We took some breaks along the way but still. I was exhausted and my legs were so sore. Being sore is good though. It gives me an excuse to be lazy and relax yet my confidence is high because I know I worked hard to be sore. Haha.

Check out the path we took when we rode our bikes. We rode from our apartment in Queen Anne to a bike shop in Fremont (because I got a flat tire 2 minutes into our trip!) where we bought new tires. Then we rode to South Lake Union Park for their grand opening event. Then we rode over to Maritime Brewing in Ballard for lunch and after our food settled we continued up north and rode our bikes to Golden Gardens Park. All of this ended with a ride back home to Queen Anne where I collapsed on the couch. For you Seattlites out there like me, not a huge fan of riding a bike through the city of hills, I highly recommend this route. It's almost completely flat.

Anyways I did slip up on my food consummation a few times but overall I ate pretty well. All of this has contributed to an additional weight loss of 2.2 pounds! I worked really hard for that this week and I'm pretty excited.

Things I learned this week:
-15 miles on a bike is far but it's not as hard as I thought it would be.
-I like taking showers at the pool. I have a ton of space to move around and it feels so bright and open.
-No matter how many times I wash my hands and shower after the pool my skin still smells like chlorine, and I love it.

Current weight: 178.6 lbs
Total down: 5.4 lbs
Total to go: 18.6 lbs

Diet Update 4

2010-09-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated for a few weeks and there is a reason for that. Nothing has changed. I have been bad. I went almost 2 weeks without exercising and went over on my allotted amount of calories 3 weeks in a row. Blame this on a weekend out of town, friends visiting and a cruise to Canada if you will, but the truth is I was lazy. I had a lot of motivation from the get go but somewhere along the line I got tired of counting everything I ate and getting off my butt to exercise. In fact, from all of this laziness I actually gained a few pounds. It was fun but in retrospect I'm not sure it was worth it. But I guess everyone needs a break every now and then.

I feel like I am back on track now. I have been eating very well and I've already swam laps 3 times this week. I actually swam harder and faster this week then I have this whole diet. And this next fact is a bit irrelevant but I'm excited and I want to brag. Greg and I timed ourselves and it turns out it takes me 17 seconds to swim the breast stoke from one end of the pool to the other and it takes Greg 22 seconds. HA. There aren't many active things I can do better than him so learning this pretty much made my week.

Anyways I'm just about back to what I weighed a few weeks ago. Diet take 2, here we go.

Current weight: 180.8 lbs
Total down: 3.2 lbs
Total to go: 20.8 lbs

Left Out and Tongue Tied

2010-09-21T16:01:00.001-07:00

As per the title of this post, I wanted to share how I've been feeling lately. Honestly I feel weird. It's as if there are a million little feelings fluttering around inside of me and none of them sit still long enough for me to catch and deal with. So this post might be all over the place but that's because that's how I feel right now. I can't focus on one thing. I'm a mess!

I feel a mixture of desperately longing for close friendship and wanting to be left alone. And it all boils down to missing friends. I feel like Greg and I are rarely invited to hang out with anyone. It hurts and it's kind of made me realize that maybe I wasn't as close to these people as I once thought. Or maybe I was just blind. I wonder if they even like me at all. I wonder if they think I'm boring. I like who I am but I've realized how different I am from the people I've been around for the past few years. I have a few different groups of friends, and I don't feel like I fit in fully with any of them. Maybe it's just me being insecure but I get embarrassed in almost every social situation I'm put in. I know this is all vague but I don't really want to get into the details. I'm just sad. And feeling this way makes me want to be alone. But being alone makes me miss friends... round and round and round we go.

Every time I see a friend I get tongue tied. Hangouts are so rare that we spend the majority of the visit catching up on meaningless things and never have the opportunity to dive deeper into what's really going on in our lives. Sometimes I just want to pick up and move away, meet new people and start fresh (with Greg of course). But I don't have enough confidence to do something so drastic quite yet. But then I wonder if moving away is just like running away from my problems. Maybe I need to branch out and try to make friends that I fit in with. Or maybe I just need to love my friends for our differences and work on opening up.

Re-Interview

2010-09-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got off work early and fought weekday afternoon traffic out of Seattle for a re-interview at a local college. It turned out to be far from an interview though. She didn't ask me anything to my recollection. In fact, we spent the whole hour talking about the pay, the hours, the job, training, the employees, and joking around about vampires. Apparently everyone there is obsessed with Twilight and True Blood, neither of which I've seen. But I was assured that this would change once I started working there.

So did I get the job? I think so! I wont know "for sure" until Tuesday when my (hopefully) soon to be boss gets back from vacation and my background check comes in clear, but it's pretty much a done deal! Wahoo! I'm pretty dang excited. I really feel like this job is going to be the perfect fit for me. First of all I the job itself sounds fun to me. Paperwork, finances, college students, computers. Sounds boring to some but they are all things I love. And second of all, all the employees in the finance department (where I'd be working) seem a lot like me. Everyone is super organized with color coded calenders and folders and I love that. Plus they are all really nice and slightly sarcastic, which I also love.

Wanna know another great thing about this job? This college is nationwide. There are 86 campuses in 24 states. So there is the possibility of transferring to another location after a few years. Greg and I have been talking about picking up and moving to the east coast for a bit before any kids are thrown into the mix. Ideally, we'd like to live in the Boston area for a few years. And with this new job, that just might be possible.

So if all goes according to plan I will put in my two-weeks notice at my current job next week and start my new job immediately. Finally!

Diet Update 3

2010-09-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

It seems as if I've been giving a little "diet update" every Wednesday, and seeing as how today is Wednesday I guess I'll fill you in.

I have been doing ok. Last week was a little hard on my diet though as it was my dad's wedding. Being out of town and having no control over the rehearsal dinner or wedding food, and stopping at fast food restaurants on the 3 hour drive there and back, made me go over my daily calorie budget 4 days in a row, and ultimately over my weekly calorie budget.

But I came home and got right back on track again. In fact, I even mustered up enough energy to go to the pool. I had been going to Green Lake for a few weeks to swim in the lake, but it's starting to get colder and darker sooner and it just doesn't sound quite as appealing as it used to. I have a pool pass that Greg gave me for my birthday last year and I had never used it. So we went up to the Queen Anne pool near our apartment to swim laps. As soon as we pulled in the parking lot I got a rush of excitement and memories of when I used to swim there in college. Everything looked the same and I felt really good being there. Greg didn't want to swim but I convinced him to join me and we both swam laps for 30 minutes, stretched, and sat in the sauna. Side note, I shared a lane with a pregnant woman and I can honestly say I have never seen a pregnant woman swim before. Sharing a lane with her was great too because I use a swim cap and goggles and every time we would pass each other I could see her big belly hanging well below the rest of her body. Haha. Anyways, I didn't go back to the pool last night and they don't have lap swim tonight so I'm going to go tomorrow. I think I'm going to shoot for at least twice a week. Mondays and Thursdays for now.

Also, good news, our scale seems to be working now. We left it alone while we were out of town this past weekend and when we got back it gave us the same readings over and over again instead of jumping around 5 pounds at a time like before. I think what happened is that it had gone a little haywire in the mail since it's a digital scale and it's supposed to be stored upright. So I think we're going to keep it after all. And even better news is that I entered a new weight zone this morning! The 170s! Very exciting.

Current weight: 179.4 lbs
Total down: 4.6 lbs
Total to go: 19.4 lbs

The Anticipation Is Killing Me

2010-08-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

While I was in Vancouver for my dads wedding this past weekend I decided to quickly check my e-mail before heading off to help decorate the reception hall. I logged in and my heart skipped a beat when I saw an unopened e-mail from a potential boss just staring at me. Butterflies filled my stomach and I clicked on the e-mailing ecstatic about the possibility and fearful about the potential disappointment. To my surprise it was a good note! One of her employees is transferring to another campus and she will need to hire someone fast. She said, "the final approval isn’t in yet, but it’s looking promising." And after a few e-mails exchanged between us she said, "I don’t want to get your hopes up for nothing, but so far it’s looking like a done deal. I should have some final answers (this) week. I wanted to be able to pull the trigger on it fast when I find out, so it’s good to know you are still a potential candidate!"

Eeek! For those of you who don't remember or maybe never knew, I applied for this position in the finance department of a local college back in January and interviewed in early February. Not that my whole life revolves around this job or anything but I've kind of been waiting for it for months now. And from the sounds of it I could be finally working there in a matter of weeks!

This was excellent news to receive on my dads wedding day. I was glowing all day. Haha. And in excitement today I wrote up my letter of resignation. I am getting kind of antsy waiting to hear the final word on this job and I really hope to be able to give my two-weeks notice at my current job this week. We'll see. I don't want to get too excited until I have the final word. But for now, fingers crossed!

Diet Update 2

2010-08-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

I ordered a scale online and it arrived yesterday. Greg and I are pretty disappointed though as the scale does not seem very accurate. I weighed myself about 5 times within 2 minutes and the weight was never the same. It jumped around and the weights were up to 5 pounds different each time. I think we're going to return it. I want to get a reliable scale.

So I have no idea if this is right, but according to the scale this morning I weigh 181.6. That seems about right though. I have been eating well and counting calories religiously for the past 2 weeks, and I've worked out by swimming 5 times now. I feel thinner and healthier but I still have a long way to go.

Current weight: 181.6 lbs
Total down: 2.4 lbs
Total to go: 21.6 lbs

Diet Update 1

2010-08-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

I know it's only been a week but I feel thinner and healthier already. My pants aren't nearly as tight as they were last week and my (surgery) knee doesn't ache as much. I bought a scale online today so although I'm pretty sure I've lost a few pounds I wont know my exact weight until next week (most likely). But the whole point in doing this diet wasn't just to lose weight per say, it was to get in shape and learn how to be healthier to treat my body right.

I've been eating really well and have worked out a few times this week. And I am actually enjoying working out. Not only do I absolutely love swimming but it's giving me more energy and making me feel stronger. Plus there is just this unexplainable freedom when I'm in the water. I feel alive and weightless. I can do any body move or travel in any direction. It's calming and exciting. I love it. I originally wanted to go to the pool because I have a pool pass but then Greg suggested I go to the lake instead since it was so nice outside. So I have been swimming in Green Lake for the past few days. The water has warmed up from the summer heat and it doesn't cost anything. I'm going to continue to go to the lake until the water starts to cool down for the fall. But that probably won't happen for another month or so. Then I can transition to the pool.

Usually dieting is difficult but so far I feel like it's been a piece of cake (pun intended). And according to the LoseIt application I've been using, I should reach my goal by October 24th which is very exciting. Two months is nothing.

Current weight: 184? lbs
Total down: 0? lbs
Total to go: 24? lbs

Apparently I'm Unhealthy

2010-08-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

This may or may not interest you but this is my blog and I do what I want. I feel like by putting this online I won’t be able to take it back.

I've decided that I need to set a goal and a plan and start making steps towards a healthier lifestyle. It all started yesterday when I was talking to a friend about dieting and she expressed a desire to lose weight. At first I told her I didn’t feel the need to diet because I am happy, or merely content, with my body. I understand I could lose a few pounds but I'm not obsessive over it. But the more I thought about it and began researching the more I started realizing I might be just plain lazy.

As it turns out I am considered overweight for my height and age. For an adult female 5’10 a healthy weight range is 132-173. I don’t have a scale but the last time I weighed myself I was 184 (yes, really). 12 pounds over the maximum for a healthy body. After learning this, I was kind of shocked. I know I’m not the healthiest person but I didn’t realize that I was “overweight.”

It's been past time for me to get in shape though. I injured myself back in March and had surgery in April. And I've been taking it way too easy on my body ever since. I desperately need to get my body back up to speed and I want to get into a healthier weight range and lifestyle.

So I've decided to do something about it. I need to lose 12 pounds but I would like to go a little further and lose an additional 10 pounds so that I'm not lingering on the edge of "healthy." My goal is to weigh 160 pounds by Christmas. Ultimately I’d love to weight 150 (I was 145 in high school) but I’m just not sure how realistic or even necessary that really is. So I will start with 160. Also, according to this body fat calculator my body fat percentage is 36.3% and a healthy range for me is 21-33%.

I downloaded this really great application on my iPod called LoseIt that keeps track of the food I eat and the exercises I do throughout the day. My mom is on a diet right now too and uses the same application. There is a feature on there that allows you to keep track of your friend’s journeys. You can’t see how much they weigh but you can see how much they’ve lost and what exercises they do. So we are following and motivating each other through this application. I’m hoping that by tracking my food consumption, sharing my weight loss with friends, going on bike rides with Greg and swimming laps at the pool a few times a week that I will start to see a change.

So here are my starting measurments:

Thus begins my journey.

Current weight: 184 lbs
Total down: 0 lbs
Total to go: 184 lbs

*Update: 2 more friends starting using LoseIt so now I have tripple the motivation! Go me.

A More Responsible Person

2010-07-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been working on being a more responsible person. And by lately, I mean the past few days. That's a lot for me.

1. I've actually been waking up when my alarm goes off instead of hitting snooze a dozen times.
2. I've been going to bed earlier and getting enough sleep at night.
3. I've been bringing a packed lunch to work everyday instead of buying food from the cafeteria.
4. I've been spending less money on food.
5. I've been eating healthier.
6. I've been eating breakfast at home in the morning instead of grabbing a bar for the road.
7. I make a list of ingredients we need for specific meals, buy only those ingredients and make dinner at home instead of going out.
8. I've been making my bed every morning to eliminate the feel of clutter.
9. I've actually been remembering to take my medication on time.

Nothing big, but it's the little things right? I feel like I have been in a better mood and more aware of things around me. I am big on organization. When everything is in proper working order I function much better. But there are still some things I want to work on.

1. Working out. Especially with my bad knee.
2. Doing laundry more often. Including bedding to help with my allergies at night.
3. My hair. I need a haircut and motivation to actually do something with it in the morning. I'm a slob.
4. Saving money. My personal savings account has literally had $0.01 for the past 6 months.
5. Being a better friend.

Waiting Game

2010-06-30T10:23:00.001-07:00

Let’s just say I had a rough night last night. But first, let’s back up a bit. A good friend of mine works for a technical college that has campuses all over the country. And this college really likes to hire people who are recommended by their employees. A job in the finance department opened up at one of their campuses that would be perfect for me. So I applied for the job with my friend’s recommendation and had a great interview. The interviewer and I really clicked and I just fell in love with the idea of working for her. And I was really excited about the job too. It probably wouldn’t interest anyone else but I seriously believe it would be the perfect fit for me.

Long story short they ended up hiring someone with way more experience. But my interviewer liked me a lot and told me that she wanted to hire me too it just wasn’t in the budget right now. So she’s been keeping in contact with me for the past few months and told me she going to hire again in July and I was at the top of her list. So I’ve been anxiously waiting for her to get in touch with me. And she did, last night, but it wasn’t really good news. She said that she actually won’t be able to hire anyone until September now. I was crushed. It’s been almost 6 months of this waiting game. I keep getting excited because it sounds so hopeful and she’s mentioned multiple times that I am number one on her list and it’s just a matter of when. But the when keeps getting pushed farther and farther back.

Part of me just wants to give up on this job but another part of me is afraid to do that. I’m afraid that if I don’t have this job prospect then I have nothing. I am at a loss in my life and don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing right now. I graduated from college 3 years ago and I thought by now I’d be doing something I actually enjoy. But I’m not. I absolutely hate my current job. I learned everything I could possibly learn in the first 3 months, yet it’s been 2 years here! 2 years as a receptionist? Talk about lame. Everyday I come to work I feel like my confidence dwindles more and more. Not only are people incredibly rude to me and treat me well below what I actually deserve while at work, but outside of work I feel judged by friends all the time. It’s embarrassing and frustrating and I can’t take much more of this. I used to be able to leave work at work and just tell myself that it was only temporary. But the longer I’m here the harder that is to do.

I feel like I'm on on the edge and keep getting poked and it's hard to keep from falling. I don’t know if God’s trying to tell me to move on and this isn’t the right job for me or if he’s trying to teach me patience. Neither of which is going to be easy.

Marriage Marriage Marriage

2010-06-07T13:45:00.001-07:00

Is it because it's that time of year (Spring/Summer) that wedding season is upon us? Or is it because we're at that age (early-mid 20s) that it seems like everyone and there mother (or father in my case) is getting married?

In the next few months I have many weddings to attend, 7 to be exact. And I just went to a friends wedding last night. It was a beautiful ceremony and even more beautiful to witness 2 people coming together in such a unique way. I know that I am recently married but I still can't help but wonder what causes someone to want to commit their lives to another in such a way. It is almost expected that everyone marry and those who don't are considered odd. I believe that God wants us to be in relationships with other people and calls us to fellowship and share our lives. But are we even qualified at 23 or 24 to chose someone to spend the rest of our lives with? Do people even want to be married or do they just think it's what they're supposed to do? There is so much pressure on a couple of this age to get married and start a family.

Don't get me wrong I love Greg and I love being married to him. Marriage is great and I wish everyone could experience life in this way. But I hate that there is pressure out there to do things a certain way. If you've only been together for a few months but you feel like marriage is the next step then I think you should think hard about it and make sure it's the right thing for you (after all marriage is big deal) but don't hesitate because your friends have an opinion. And if you've been together for years and aren't ready to take that leap I don't think it's fair for people to pressure you into it. When we got engaged it seemed like everyone wanted to voice their opinion about our relationship and it drove me crazy. The only people who matter are the people in the relationship.

I am excited for all of my friends and family getting married this year. Each and every one of you seem extremely happy and that makes me happy. I will never get in the middle of your relationship. I want to be there to support you and share in the joy and excitement as you make this next step.

Loser

2010-02-03T16:26:00.000-08:00

Today has been a hard day, preceded by one very hard year.

In case you are out of the loop, let me fill you in on just how much of a loser I really am. But first, please realize that I wasn't always this way. I started out feeling pretty good about myself and my life. In high school I did pretty well academically and I had a lot of friends. Everyone thought I was soooo funny. I was goofy and I loved making people laugh. I loved high school because I just felt good all the time. And then, I went college at the same time and graduated with my associates degree at only 18 years old. I felt smart. I felt hopeful. I was going to make something of myself. In high school I was comfortable with who I was and I felt like myself in front of everyone. I never let anyone take that away from me... until I got to college (and by that I mean a 4 year university).

I swear I was a different person in college. A lot of family things happened within the first few months of college and somewhere along the line I changed. My mom was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, my parents moved to Nevada, my father got divorced and bought a house with a woman I'd never met, my brother lost his job and had to move to Nevada to live with my parents, and I was left at school trying to deal with all of these emotions while also trying to make friends and study hard classes in my junior year. It was too much for me to handle and I missed my family. I didn't know how to talk about anything so in turn, I began to hold back from people, including Greg. I feel like I was just a body. I didn't have any emotions and I can't remember a single real conservation I had with a friend about something important. Everything was superficial and I felt like a liar. I longed for some type of closeness with another human being but I never felt like anyone was interested in getting to know me in that way. I just wanted a friend I could cry with but never met anyone willing to make the effort with me.

I became very self conscious and the people I surrounded myself with often made me feel worthless. These "friends" of mine never missed the opportunity to make me feel like an idiot. What, you have how much in student loans? What, you don't know what you want to do for a living? You're studying Communications, what are you supposed to do with that? Etc. I wasn't used to being treated like I was significantly lower than my friends and I didn't know how to react to that, except for my natural response which was to hold back from people and not let them in. I used to talk about personal thing with friends, but college changed that, and I still haven't fully recovered.

Graduating college was difficult for me since I graduated early and was the only one of my friends trying to break into the so called "real world." It took me months to find a job and even then the jobs I found were only temporary. 3 months at one temporary job and 4 months at another led me to the first permanent job I've had, which is the one I'm still at. It's not that I haven't tried to get out, it's that I'm never good enough. I've applied and applied and rarely ever get an interview. For the past 1 1/2 years the thing I dread the most is that stupid question that people think defines someone: What do you do for a living? Gosh I hate that. I strongly dislike my job but everyone around me judges me based on it! It drives me crazy. It makes me feel stupid. I'm not my job but no body gets that! I want a new one but no body wants me!

I've been job hunting for about a year now and applying for jobs when I see them. Last month I applied for a job I really wanted. And I mean really wanted. Everything was good about this job. The location, the pay, the people, the work, the everything. I had an interview and it went extremely well. I seriously thought I was going to get the job. But then, this morning I got a rejection e-mail. They hired someone with 4 years of experience instead. I was crushed. But what did I expet, that's pretty much the story of my life thus far. How am I supposed to get experience if no one will give it to me? I just don't understand! I was qualified! I was professional! She liked me! I did everything she asked me to do as soon as she asked me to do it! I didn't do anything wrong! So then why I am left empty handed yet again? What am I supposed to do to convince someone to give me a chance?

I'm pretty upset right now. I'm at work but I've probably cried 5 or 6 times. I just feel like an idiot once again. I actually believed I had a good shot at this job. And now I just feel like what's the point in even trying? I apply and apply for jobs but I'm never good enough. They always pick someone with more experience... and I just can't seem to get any experience. I feel like it's never ending. I just can't catch a break.

Basically (and for those of you who skipped to the bottom of this long post), I haven't felt worthwhile since high school. I'm tired of rejection from friends and strangers. I need people to give me a chance, job wise and relationship wise because I'm at a point where I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I just don't know what to do anymore.

*Update: I got another rejection today (Friday). And they had the exact same reasons: Not enough experience. Big surprise.

Reflections of 2009

2010-01-04T16:47:00.000-08:00

Well it’s a new year and that’s got me thinking about things as most new years do. Today has been a pretty down day and I’ve been extra hard on myself asking the ultimate question: What am I doing with my life? It’s hard to feel worthwhile when you feel like you have a dead end job and no hope in sight. But there is hope. Life isn’t all about what you do for a living. It’s also about how you do the things you do, why you do them and who you do them with. Life is an adventure and I want to focus on friends, family and exploring my world as it changes and moves into new chapters. This current chapter doesn’t have everything I want but in reality will any chapter be perfect? Doubtful. But I don’t want that to get me down. I want to focus on the positive and be thankful for the things I’m able to do.

This year (2009) I...
...got engaged
...visited my family in Colorado
...had the flu
...went on a cruise with my mom to Canada
...had the flu again
...went on a family vacation to Disneyland
...took an annual road trip to Ocean Shores for the 4th of July
...explored LA (& Disneyland again) with friends
...planned a wedding
...turned 23
...got married
...went to Saint Lucia & NYC
...moved to Greenlake

Even though there were aspects of my year that were frustrating and hurtful, I have to admit, the other events made up for all of it. I had a good year but I am definitely ready for a new one. Happy 2010!

I hate my job

2009-10-13T15:39:00.001-07:00

I hate my job. I'm constantly annoyed with my coworker's bad decisions, lack of an actual work performance and ability to talk nonstop about personal things I don't want to hear about. I hate having to wear a stupid uniform consisting of black or gray pants, a white collared shirt and a silly little scarf. It makes me feel boring and ugly. My job isn't that spectacular to begin with so a uniform makes me feel that much more insignificant. I hate answering phone calls all day from people with attitude problems that treat me like I'm a total idiot and way below their social class. I especially hate getting yelled at when it's not my fault. I hate how my boss is never around and when she is all she does is lie about situations to cover her mistakes and horrible skills as a supervisor. I hate when people check in in the lobby and act like they are all high and mighty when I'm trying to check them in and make them a badge. Just speak up, tell me your name and don't walk away when I'm trying to ask you a question, jerk.

I want a new job sooooooo badly! I can't believe I've been here for 17 months now. I feel like I have nothing to show for it except longevity on my resume. But who really cares about longevity when the actual position is unimpressive. That's not gonna catch the eye of a potential employer.

I feel trapped. If I stay I'll be miserable but if I leave I'll most likely be unemployed. I've been searching for jobs since I started here but nobody wants me and very few are even hiring. I can't afford not to work but my self esteem can't afford to stay here. Besides, I'm getting married in less than four weeks. There's no way I can quit now. I already have the vacation approved and a solid paycheck coming my way.

I want to feel important and special and I want a job that reflects that. I want a job that makes me feel like my hard work and patience has paid off. But somehow I feel like that will never happen. I am beyond ready for a change.

Crunch Time

2009-09-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am getting married in 39 days... in 2 full moons... 5 weeks from Saturday. There are many ways to say it but one thing still remains, I am getting married. It's coming up really fast. I thought I had months left but then one day I woke up and realized it was just weeks away. Everybody said it would fly by but I didn't want to believe them. I wanted to be the different one. The one that thought a 9 month engagement was slow and relaxing. But I that didn't happen.

I am realizing how similar planning a wedding is for couples. Your details may be different but the tasks are all the same. Dress fitting, menu selecting, favor making, photographer choosing etc. There are millions of tiny details that need to be solidified in this process and it just gets more and more overwhelming as time goes on. After a week of being engaged the massive To Do List started growing in the back on my mind. And I was able to put off a lot of things these past 8 months but with just 1 left we can't ignore things anymore. It's crunch time.

I'm just trying to focus on the excitement and not allow the stress to get to me.

I can't wait to...
...wear a beautiful handmade wedding dress that fits me like a glove
...dance at the reception with all of our friends
...be crafty and finish all our wedding projects
...move to Greenlake and live with Greg
...go to heaven on earth in Saint Lucia
...return to my happy place: New York City in November
...see everyone we know and love in the same room
...see all my family I haven't seen in months
...get presents from our registry and decorate our first place

If only I didn't have to worry about...
...getting everything done on time
...birth control
...actually being married and how different that will be
...moving all of my belongings to Greenlake
...making a seating chart
...marriage paperwork

To Do List That Never Ends

2009-07-08T14:32:00.001-07:00

I have this strange feeling like I am constantly doing something wrong. There are so many things on my plate right now and when I start thinking about all of the things I need to do I get very overwhelmed. I can't do everything all at once and I can't always be working on something. I need breaks and I feel as though they are rare. When I'm at home I just need to sit down, relax and get to know my roommates but in the back of my mind I just keep thinking about all the things I need to do. I need to refresh but I for some reason I just can't do that. I pack my schedule too full and when I'm not out and about I start doing wedding things and neglect all the other things that I'm not making a priority.

Planning a wedding is really fun but it just requires sooooo much research and I can't just turn off the wedding planning part of my brain. It's on constant overload and I just want to get things planned and booked and taken care of but with the limited amount of time Greg and I have to work on things it's just taking forever. He is a slow thinker as it is and if I were planning this shindig by myself I'd probably be done with it by now. But I'm having to work on his pace. You can only work as fast and your slowest team member. I like to make lists and get things done but with the speed I've been on and the amount of things I have to do I feel like I'm only getting deeper and deeper. My To Do List is never ending.

Graduations

2009-06-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

These past few weekend have been filled with graduation this and graduation that. Greg's mom graduated, his brother graduated, friends from home graduated and friends from college. 4 of my roommates, 2 of Greg's and many of our other friends walked across the big undergrad stage, shook the president's hand and gave out a huge smile for all their family and friends.

It was weird for me to see everyone graduate. I started college with all of these people and they are the ones I hang out with, live with and know. And now they are finished? I graduated 2 years ago already and what do I have to show for it? And now I hear everyone talking about the jobs they are applying for and the places they are going to work with such certainty. It's not that I don't have any faith in them but I know how hard it is to find a job after college. I've been there, and that was 2 years ago. The economy is a lot worse now than it was.

I got a fun job at a GREAT place after months of searching. But sadly, it was only temporary. The next job I had was pretty repetitive but the people I worked with were really fun and the hours were FANTASTIC. But again, it was a temporary position. And now I feel trapped at a lame job, with awful coworkers and crappy hours. I'd quit and get a better job but I'm afraid. The job I have now is safe, really safe. It it's one of the worst jobs I've had but at least I know I have a solid paycheck every week. I have dreams of working for a place that actually matters but with my experience and desires the positions available are few and far between. I want to work in fundraising and development at a nonprofit but the positions that are available are going to overqualified people with years of experience.

But still, as much as I tell myself that it's ok to be in the position I'm in, I still feel inferior when my friends job search and talk as if it's going to be easy to get a job. While my friends have been in school I've avoided talking about work. When I do talk about work I don't feel like they really understand how hard it is. They tell me to get another job or do something different but when you have rent, utilities, a car payment, expensive student loans and an upcoming marriage, finding another job isn't really that easy. I don't want my friends to have to go through awful job hunting and rejection but it is a life lesson that makes the idea of "the real world" much more understandable.

Moving and Disneyland

2009-06-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

We are getting another roommate this month and to make room for her one of my other roommates and are moving into the same room together. I'll admit it's kind of a bummer to go back to sharing a room after having my own space for 9 months but I need the cheaper rent and it's just for a few months. I can survive. So I started the moving process last night. I moved my big bookshelf out of my room, put a few books and clothes in the Good Will pile, and went through all of my old school papers, texts and notes. I've been holding onto my school work for 2 years now, and I haven't even touched any of it until now. Is it time to get rid of everything? Do I really need that 30 page Organizational Communication paper I wrote 3 years ago? Or 3 notebooks of French vocabulary that I can find in my text books and dictionaries? Probably not. So I am planning on recycling all of my past papers. I'm keeping the important text books but I don't need an entire bookshelf of school work.

I never think I have that much stuff until I have to move and I see it all over the floor... in multiple rooms. But this is good timing because I can get rid of all my unnecessary items now before it's time to move into a new place right before the wedding and I'm all stressed out. It's exciting to downsize knowing that soon I'll be moving into my own (well, with Greg of course) place where we can decorate everything the way we want it and everything in the house will be ours. But it is weird to go through my things and ask myself, "Is this something Greg would want in our place?"

In other news, I just got back from Disneyland with my family! SOOOOOOO MUUUUUCCCCCH FUUUUUUUUN! We've been meaning to go on a family vacation for years but my family is always so busy moving or working or in school that we just never had the opportunity. But we finally did it! It was really nice to spend the week with my family. My dad just got back from a year and a half deployment to Bahrain, my parents are getting ready to move to Monterey, CA and I'm getting married in a few months. So this trip was a last family thing before there are any more of us (Greg). Sometimes it's hard to be with my family for that long. We fight, we get annoyed with each other and so on, but this trip wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was wonderful!

Dirty Andy

2009-05-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was reading my friend's blog about how she's stopped caring about her appearance and it reminded me that I've been meaning to blog about that too.

I feel pretty yucky right now. If I don't shower when I get home tonight I'm afraid a neighbor might smell me and try to dose me with a hose. My last shower was Sunday evening (I think). I tend to do this a lot actually. Not intentionally but still, it happens often. I shower, and then wear my hair down the first day because it's all beautiful and clean. The next day or 2 I braid it off to the side to hide the fact that it's not completely fresh. And then by day 3 or even 4 on a bad cycle it's so greasy that I just put it all up tightly in the back with 2 braids on the side. Then I know it's time to shower again. I'm too lazy to change this pattern I seem to be stuck in.

I never wear makeup unless I'm going to a wedding or something dressy. I usually don't see the point. Although I wish I cared enough to try a little harder most days, because I do see the difference a little makeup can do.

And as for sleeping in, my alarm goes off at 7, snooze, 7:05, snooze, 7:10, snooze, then my second alarm goes off at 7:12, snooze, 7:15, snooze, 7:17, snooze, 7:20, snooze, 7:22, snooze, 7:25, snooze, 7:27, snooze, and then my third alarm goes off at 7:30 and that's when I actually get up. I need to be out of the house by 7:47 to catch my 7:50 bus. If you think I'm kidding... come over. I'm dead serious. I need to change this habit asap because in less than a month Lindsey and I are moving in together and I don't want to be the annoying roommate who hits snooze 10 times.

I need to take better care of myself. At least my hair is cleaner than Greg's most of the time. Haha.

Roaming

2009-04-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to the beautiful land of Canada with my mother on a mini-cruise! Check it out!

In our room about to have the safety drill:

My mom in Victoria,BC, Cananda:

Me in Victoria, BC, Cananda:

It was great timing because there were definitely some things I'd been wanting to get away from and I was finally able to do that. But as fulfilling as it was to take a break from some hurt going on in my life right now and have time to refresh I still felt a little lacking. I know it sounds super mooshy-gushy but I missed Greg. My cell phone was either in super expensive roaming or didn't even have service to begin with so I wasn't able to call him. It wasn't the end of the world though. We both survived. But I was sad and slightly worried just wondering what on earth he was up to. It reminded me of when I was in Switzerland and went a few weeks without talking to him.

There is unexpected empty feeling when you are disconnected from your best friend. I always think it's not a big deal and I can handle it but everyday I am experiencing and learning things and desperately wanting to share them with Greg. Silly couples that can't stand to be apart for more than a minute always make me wanna gag a little, but when I'm in their shoes I sort of have a little empathy for their situation. God calls us to share our lives with one another and be a part of each others lives. And when the one person you love the most isn't there it's easy to feel like something is missing.

I am really excited to hang out with Greg tonight and just be there together.

Excluded (mini vent)

2009-04-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not expecting nor am I even asking you to be my best friend. I'm just hoping that when the conservation turns, as it always does, to topics I can't be a part of, that you fill me in a bit instead of leaving me to sit there silently in the dark. I'm tired of being excluded and left feeling stupid. I keep hoping something changes yet it never does.

I need to go on a walk.

Seattle

2009-04-09T16:48:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel like my views on Seattle are changing. I have been learning more about my city and what makes it so great. Most of the time I can't fathom a city existing in the same class as Seattle. Everyone morning I stand on the corner of Wallingford and 40th, looking down the hill to Gasworks with the city skyline just across the water. To my right, I can see the Olympic Mountains standing tall above all the little houses. And to my left, the Cascades shine in the morning sun. It's an unbelievable view for a bus stop and always catches me with a smile.

Seattle is home to many major companies (Microsoft, Boeing, Starbucks, Holland America Line & Princes Cruises, Costco, Nordstroms, Kettle Foods, and more). We have the Space Needle, Underground Tour and EMP. I have never seen so many parks before as are in Seattle. Of course, there is our ferry system, the largest in the nation. And you can't forget Fraser, Grey's Anatomy, Sleepless in Seattle and 10 Things I Hate About You. And despite how much people think it rains here, Spring and Summer are probably the prettiest here than anywhere in the world. There is so much about Seattle that fun, exciting and beautiful and I always thought I wanted to stick around here forever. But now, I'm not so sure.

I do love Seattle, that's not a lie, but I want be somebody too. I want to travel and see the world. I want to find myself and I feel like Seattle is trapping me to stay exactly the way I am in my life. Seattle makes me feel content and that's not what I want out of life. I want to DO something worthwhile and Seattle isn't helping me figure that out. When I think of living here I think of getting married, finding a little apartment and moving on to a nonprofit development job in the city until we have some kids and move out into the suburbs. But I'm not so sure that's what I want or is what God wants from me for that matter.

I think what I need to do is see the world a little and let it break my heart. I feel as though there is something missing in my life and I think it might have something to do with the fact that I've only been able to see happy life and richer things in the United States and Europe. Greg and I have been talking about saving up money, and quitting our jobs to travel all over starting in South America. And just the possibility of that excites me.

Birthday

2009-04-07T12:39:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting my own personal blog since getting engaged because things have been busy and stressful and I've been sick like 4 times. When I have down time I don't really spend it quietly learning about myself. Instead, I research, wedding blog, plan, hang out with roommates and other friends, catch up on e-mails and worry about things. All of that stuff is important but there just never seems like enough time in the day to all of the things I need to do to stay healthy and on top on life. Life seems to squish me when it gets the chance.

So anyways. Today is Greg's 22nd birthday! Which means, we'll be married before he reaches another year. It's weird to think like that. Next year, will we have a party at OUR place for his birthday? Our place... now that's a new one. Living with a husband is still something I'm trying to get used to. Don't get me wrong, I love Greg and I really want to marry him. But the idea of actually being married is something that I don't know how to prepare for. I've never done it before. And no matter how much advise other married friends give me it's just not enough to truly understand it until I'm there. I'm feeling extremely excited and scared out of mind at the same time. I feel like I always have these mixed feelings. Haha.

Research

2009-03-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

Lately, my life consists of research. If it weren't for the internet I don't know how'd I'd do everything I need to do right now. Researching online marketing strategies and implemting them for my families company, Kookaburra (i.e. Facebook, Blogspot & Twitter). Researching wedding ideas (The Knot & Style Me Pretty). Researching places to live after marriage (Craigslist). Researching honeymoon spots (Orbitz, Hotels.com, Google Maps). These, along with my e-mail (Gmail & SPU) and Myspace are the sites I visit almost daily. It's overwhelming to think about all of this at the same time... while I am working too. But I can't stop myself. I'm fast online and I'm madly in love with Google. I have this strange desire to be everywhere working on millions of little projects, multi-tasking until everything is done. But I'm just too excited about all of these things, as they involve life marriage! :)

Planning

2009-02-23T14:45:00.000-08:00

Planning a wedding creates unnecessary family drama. And family drama leads to Greg defending his family and me defending mine. Which of course means that we fight. It's nothing serious but this just the begining of the planning stages. Things better improve or we're in for a long 9 months.

Girls

2009-02-17T15:45:00.000-08:00

Why can't I understand girls? Why am I not closer to them? Why do they frustrate me oh so much sometimes?

I have a few girl friends, not as many as I would like to have, and I just don't know how to act around them or how to understand them. Most of the time I just feel like the outcast. And a lot of the time I feel like the pity friend only included because of silly politics.

I am a calm person most of the time. I have hobbies and I know how to have fun. But when it comes to being super outgoing I usually feel restrained and awkward. And I think that has a lot to do with the people I'm surrounded by. They all seem to be extremely outgoing and I don't feel like there is room for me to be heard or noticed. I ignore it and it just keeps building on top of itself more and more. It's starting to get heavy...

Save the Date and Wedding Blog

2009-02-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

We picked a date! At first Greg and I said we wanted to get married sometime in October becasuse we both like fall and it's not too close to all the major holidays so people would be able to make it out for the wedding. But after thinking more about it I realized that the idea of getting married in October was kind of freaking me out. That's only 8 months away and I know we could do it but it was seriously making me uncomfortable. So we talked about it and decided to push it back and bit... and chose a date that is perfect in many ways. First of all, 7 is a lucky number for us. I was born on October 7th and Greg was born on April 7th. And by the time we get married we will have been together for 7 years. PLUS for the past few years we have gone on vacation together every November, and it has become a special month for us. So... why not put that all together, and give us an extra month to prepare and save? Perfect. SAVE THE DATE! NOVEMBER 7th, 2009! It's gonna be great!

Planning a wedding is overwhelming. We haven't really even done anything yet and I'm overwhelmed... but still very excited! You see, my mom spends half of her time in Colorado because she runs a busniess with her sisters. And she is leaving soon and will be gone for a month. So we have a lot of things to figure out and we need to figure out the major things (such as guest list so we know how many people and how big of a site to book, location, budget, wedding party, etc) ASAP. On Sunday, Greg and I are going out to lunch with both of our parents to figure out all of these things. Hopefully all goes well and people don't have clashing opinions.

Also, Greg and started a wedding blog to update with all things wedding and to share together once we're actually married. You can check it out here for gregoryandandrea! :)

I'm getting married!!!

2009-02-09T09:03:00.000-08:00

Goooing to the Chapel and we're gonna get maaraararried...

I know that many of you already know this, but there are still many of you hearing this for the first time... Greg and I are engaged!!! He asked me last night after we spent the whole day together exploring the Puget Sound. He picked me up from my parents house in Port Orchard around 9am and we caught the Southworth-Fauntleroy Ferry to Seattle. Then we stopped at my house because Greg said I needed "warmer clothes." I knew something was up because Greg isn't very spontaneous and last week he said, "Wanna do something special on Sunday?" Haha. Oh Greg. Plus all of my roommates looked very distressed when we showed up at my house and they were all "secretly" staring at my hand noticing no ring on my finger. Haha. Anyways, once I grabbed different shoes, gloves, a scarf and a sweater, we drove off to some destination I was unaware of. Greg didn't want me to figure it out so he made me tie my scarf around my face until we got to the ferry, then he let me see daylight again. We took the Mukilteo ferry to Whidbey Island just hung out together, driving all over the island and visiting the little towns. We stopped a few times at some lookouts to see if we could see any whales (and no, :( we didn't). But we had a great time just hanging out and being silly. Greg is so funny! We said we wanted to do things like that more often. It's nice to get away and explore someplace new together, being goofy and singing in the car to ourselves since I don't have a stereo right now.

We stopped in Coupeville and walked around and checked out this neat dock with a great view. We ended up at this little bar on the water. It was the only place open with food (I guess it's their off season) so good thing we were both over 21 or we wouldn't be able to find lunch! We split a delicious sandwich and fries. Ymmm.

Then we kept going and eventually ended up at Deception Pass. We've both been there before (like 3 years ago) so we tried to find the trail we took and see the same view. I kind of knew it was coming (Greg's really not very good a hiding things) so I was surprised when we started heading back to the car and he didn't "ask me." But on the way to the car we stopped and walked out to this dock that we sat on a few years ago and just talked for a long time together. So we sat there again and talked and prayed and then he asked me to marry him (at sunset no less, and the sky was very pretty, all pink and yellow)! :) It was kind of a funny moment because neither of us were nervous to get engaged, it was just weird that it was actually happening! Greg was laughing a lot and I was like, "why are you laughing!?" Haha. But in the end... of course I said, "Yes!"

It was an amazing day and I can only hope for many more amazing days together. I know some of you are thinking "finally!" but we feel like the timing is just right. It's very exciting and I just wanted to tell everyone! :) So there you have it! We're getting married!!!!

Emma

2009-02-06T07:41:00.001-08:00

A few weeks ago Greg and I went to Tacoma to visit some longtime friends from high school, Emma and Daniel. Emma was my best friend in high school and we did everything together, never spending a weekend apart. Even after dating my brother and ending badly Emma and I remained best friends. But when I moved away for college and she got engaged our relationship became pretty rough. We had issues and sadly our friendship dissapeared for a while. But since then we've both moved on, reconsiled and now feel totally comfortable around each other again. We will probably never be quite as close as we used to be but are both ok with that and just thankful that we can stay friends now.

Friendship is much harder when you're an adult. I'm not sure I really know what I'm doing yet. It's easy when you live with or are around your friends all the time but what happens when it's not convient anymore? When you actually have to make an effort to make plans and see each other? As an adult, you can't just have sleepovers all the time and go to school together. But you can still love and care about each other and I'm thankful I have Emma for that. She is awesome and I'm so glad to have her in my life.

Expressive

2009-02-03T14:05:00.000-08:00

Greg thinks I'm coming out of my shell a bit and being more expressive with my words. Well I say... hmmmm.

Economy

2009-01-23T16:54:00.000-08:00

Dang... our economy sucks. Obama, I know it's your first week and all, but come on already. I need your help!

Everywhere I look "Currently not hiring" "No open positions" etc etc. I have job security right now (thank God) but seriously this is the worst job I've ever had. My goal when I started here was to make it though the rest of the year and quit in January. Fat chance of that happening. Even if I found a job with equal pay and more challenging or rewarding work, I probably couldn't take it with fear of being laid off shortly thereafter. Horrible time to be a recent grad with little to no applicable experience.

President Obama

2009-01-20T10:03:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

In case you haven't heard, we have a new president!

Just an hour ago I sat here, at work, surrounded by 25 other people, some with tears in their eyes and joy in their hearts, intensely watching every moment of Obama's Inauguration. It seems kind of surreal. One of the guys on the news said that one of his concerns is that his children will grow up thinking America is so great because we have an African American president and they wont realize how bad it was just so recently. And that made me think that I hope people aren't satisfied simply because Barak Obama is the new president. An African American isn't going to put this country back together. But a great president and leader will. Our job isn't done simply because we voted and he has won and taken office. We are not yet united. We may have hope, but among us racism still exists, jobs are short, war is present and so much is wrong with our government and citizens. America has a lot left to do and I pray that Obama is can lead us in doing so.

"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met... And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government."

Amen to that.

Kookaburra

2009-01-14T16:37:00.000-08:00

So I don't know if anyone knows but my mom owns a company with 2 of her sisters in Colorado called Kookaburra. She flies back and forth between CO and WA constantly and is always super busy with the company.

They bought it from this guy and his ex-wife as they were divorcing and wanting to get out of anything they had together. He developed the products while he was working in Australia and ended up starting a company from it. But seriously, I don't think he really knew what he had. The products were originally developed to clean wool from sheep's and have been sold in yarn stores all over. But the product is so much more than wool wash and it wasn't being used for things it could be use for.

Kookaburra has 4 products. Power (an all-purpose cleaner for things such as counters, windows and floors and smells like oranges!), Wash (a laundry detergent that my roommates and I use as well as all my friends and family and home church. It smells lovely! Seriously this is the product for you! Bed bugs hate this stuff and it's so good for you!), Delicate (another laundry detergent but this one smells like lavender!) and Scour (used mainly for cleaning raw wool).

The products are amazing and ALL NATURAL. They are sold in bike shops, yarn stores, fabric stores, sports stores... etc. They are working on getting their products sold at Whole Foods! But the company is new to them and right now my family just makes all the products themselves in their warehouse. Seriously go check them out! They all smell really good and are actually cheaper than regular cleaning products because they last longer and you don't have to use as much product to do the job.

This is an ad they asked me to design for them to use in a craft magazine:

www.kookaburraco.com! Go now!

Rings and Things

2009-01-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

The marriage boat is on the way. Greg and I are making progress. We sat down and talked to our parents. We started reading the book Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. And now, we've looked at rings.

Brilliant Earth is a company that sells conflict-free diamonds from Canadian mines. They also dedicate 5% of their profits to local African communities harmed by the diamond industry. Greg and I have pretty much been looking solely at their website for rings. I would be proud to wear any of their rings. Their mission is fantastic and some of the rings are really gorgeous.

There are two on this website that really stood out to us. This one (also here, here and here) and this one (also here, here and here). I really like both of these little beauties. And I honestly don't know if I like one any more than the other and Greg prefers the second one. He says it's more me. I'm not usually that big into jewelry so anything big and showy with lots of fat diamonds and a big ol' band would just seem out of place on me and make me uncomfortable. But I really like these 2 rings because they are simple yet elegant at the same time. I don't think I would get tired of them (at least I hope not). I like that they aren't what everyone has (princess cut solitaire... at least it seems that way). I like them!

I went to a jeweler last night and tired on rings and found out my ring size too...

Plan or Robot

2009-01-05T11:54:00.000-08:00

Facebook makes me feel lame. All the updates and photos in my mini-feed make me see things I don't really want to see. I see friends hanging out without me and I get jealous. But I can't really complain because when it comes time for me to join I have no desire to make plans with them. I want to see people and spend time together, but I have been so busy these past few months that the thought of having to make an effort to even see someone new is really draining to me.

This weekend I purposefully made time to just sit at home and relax. I still went out of the house and did things but they were more spur of the moment and nothing serious. So I didn't feel overwhelmed or frustrated with a "plan." Nomally, I love plans. I am a very organized person who likes having things to do. But sometimes plans can make me feel like a robot. (3:30 pack my stuff - 4:00 drive to the ferry - 4:30 take ferry - 5:30 be picked up - 6:00 drive to dinner - 6:30 have dinner - 8:00 drive home...) And that's when I notice myself starting to pull away from people. And I've been doing it recently without even realizing it. And for that, I'm sorry!

Bonne Année!

2009-01-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

Bonne Année tout le monde! The New Year has began and with a bang at that. This year is going to bring lots of changes, for sure. Last night my parents came up from Port Orchard to take Greg and I out to dinner. Greg and I have been wanting to talk to my parents about us getting engaged for quite some time but we just didn't know how to go about it. My step dad has been in Bahrain for year and is only home for 2 weeks for Christmas. He leaves tomorrow morning. So last night was the last time we will see him until May. It was then or never really.

Before my parents arrived Greg said, "How do you want to bring it up?" Knowing my mom, I figured she would just bring it up herself. And big surprise, after about 30 minutes, she said "Sooo.... any gooaals for the new year???" And we said, "No, not really." knowing that wasn't the answer she wanted. And then, "OK yeah, get engaged and possibly married this year." I mean, it wasn't a shocker to my family because this is something that's been a thought for years. The whole point was really just to talk about it together and verbally say what we were thinking. Greg didn't ask for my hand or anything like that. But we did finally get to sit down openly and have a conservation to hear opinions and include them in our plans.

They said they'd be happy if we got married. They love Greg and think that we are ready now. And then they gave us lots of advise and were very positive. Smooth as butter.

My mom asked when we thought about making an engagement official and Greg said, "Soon." That was kinda weird to hear even though I knew the answer. Just hearing it and telling other people is still shocking to me. I mean, we're not engaged yet so talking about getting married seems a little backwards right?

Christmas

2008-12-29T15:03:00.000-08:00

Christmas has come and gone once again. I was extremely prepared yet not quite feeling the season this year. But on Christmas day all felt right. I spent the day hanging out with my family, watching Wall-E, playing Scene It, and having dinner at the Joneses. It is always so refreshing to simply do nothing of importance all day in Port Orchard. I feel so at home when I am there, and Seattle seems like a crazy world to me. But as soon as I get off the ferry, or come over the hill on I5 where I can see the city, Port Orchard sounds so far away and Seattle is where I want to be. It's like don't really have a home. And I don't know how I feel about that. I love being in Port Orchard because it makes me feel like an adult. I see people with their own places surrounded by family and jobs, and Seattle often feels lonely. I have friends in Seattle, but no family. Being in Port Orchard makes me want to get married, buy a house and settle down. And then I get to Seattle and realize how young I still am.

Moving on a bit, I don't mean to sound like I am in to material things... but I got a lot of really amazing Christmas gifts this year. I mean, I got an iPod Touch! My old iPod has been broken for a really long time. And I am so amazed by this new little gadget. Man, Apple is so cool. But one of my favorite things was this book my mom got me. It talks about how to take old sweaters and turn them into new items. I actually got another sewing book and 3 gift cards to Joanns from my relatives. I am so excited to start sewing some new things. I finally have some inspiration!

In a Flash

2008-12-24T13:07:00.000-08:00

My dad is home for Christmas now! I went home this past weekend to be with my family, and after about the first hour of being at home things felt just as they always did. We watched a movie, played some card games and relaxed. Has he really been gone for a year? That can't be. I feel like I just saw him. I guess that's a good thing. That means our relationship hasn't changed and the time has flown by so I haven't missed him as much as I could have.

But as far as everything else goes, that means my entire year has flown by too quickly as well. And what have I done to show for it? Not a whole lot... I wish I could say I could say I found a great job, made some plans and found direction for my life, but I honestly can't. I've made a few baby steps in certian areas but it just feels like there isn't enough time in the day to do all of the things I want to do. Working 40 hours a week has been difficult. I miss having 2-3 weeks off every 2 1/2 months, and a big ol' break in the summer. I miss the schedule I had as a student. Did I really graduate 18 months ago?

I'm not saying I didn't have a good year, but I definatly didn't get to do everything I wanted to do. This year was more about relationships, being at peace with myself and learning what I want than it was about obtaining the American dream. Not every year is going to be the best. It was good, just not spactular.

Oh well, at least I made a HUGE snowman to make up for my lacking growth:

Coming Home For the Start

2008-12-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

My step dad is on his long trek home from Bahrain to Kuwait to Germany to Atlanta to Dallas and finally to Seattle (tomorrow)! I am unbelievably excited! The last time I saw my dad was January 6. He moved to Bahrain to serve his overseas duty for a year. But that got pushed back to a year and half. And we all thought we wouldn't be able to see him until the end, but he is coming home for Christmas for 3 weeks!

Not only is his brief return a big deal to me because I miss him, but when he gets here Greg and I plan on talking to him and the rest of my family about us getting engaged. I know my parents would be happy for that to happen and wont have any objections, but none the less it's important for us to include our families in our thoughts. I'm sure they will have good advise and be excited for us and I want to have those conservations with them. For months Greg and I have both thought that we would just think about it and talk to our families later, when Pete gets home. And now that's he's coming home tomorrow it's starting to become a reality. It's all starting now.

Just In A Relationship

2008-12-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

Well, Greg and I are at home now. And no, we're not engaged. I know that's what a lot of people thought was going to happen on our trip to New York, but we talked about it while we were there and decided that it just wasn't the right time. We didn't want to get engaged simply because we were out on a big trip or because we felt pressure from our friends and family to do it. I'm not going to lie, for a while I wanted to get engaged in New York. It would have been an awesome place to do it and ideally, great timing. But as the trip got closer I became nervous. I wanted to get engaged because it sounded like the right time in my life, but not because I felt like it actually was the right time in my life.

One night, we went on a walk in Central Park and I felt uncomforable. I was afraid Greg would purpose and in the pit of my stomach I knew it wasn't right. An engagement is supposed to be joyous not dreadful. And I knew if Greg purposed I wouldn't be able to say no, but I wouldn't want to say yes either. So I told him what I was thinking and he said he was on the same page as me. He assured me he didn't have a ring and that we weren't going to get engaged on our trip. I was relieved. It's not that I don't want to get engaged, because I do, but the timing was off. I didn't want out trip to turn into part of some plan, or for us to take the focus off of being together right now and start focusing on the future. I didn't want to walk around New York and see things that I wanted to have in our wedding, or focus on telling our family and friends and setting a date. I wanted our trip to be about spending quality time together and getting away from our everyday lives. I wanted to hang out and see New York with my best friend. And that's exactly what we did.

I know that some people are dissapointed that we didn't make any big foundational steps for our relationship, but our relationship and the pace we move is our busniess. I'm not dissapointed with us for not getting engaged last week. In fact, I'm proud of us for being strong and patient and knowing it's wasn't the right thing to do. We communicated and made the decision together. And I had an amazing time. We did and saw everything we wanted to do and had plenty of time to do it. We spent everyday together for a week and a half and I loved every single minute of it. I couldn't have asked for a better trip.

Financially Stressed

2008-11-13T14:58:00.001-08:00

I feel so financially stressed out right now. And it's getting to me more than it should today. I actually feel like I could cry right now. And I've been on edge about it for hours, freaking out without a valid reason.

But it's weird because it's no surprise to me that I have no money. I have all of my bills budgeted out until June, and I know at any given time how much money is in each of my accounts. I'm actually extremely organized with my finances. I'm broke because my job sucks and my bills are high, not because I'm reckless. I can pay all my bills. That's not the issue. I'm just sick of working so hard at a job that makes me feel insignificant all the time and having nothing to show for it in my savings. I'm living paycheck to paycheck really (allowing myself the occasional dinner our with friends and whatnot). I never seem to get anywhere or move up to a more financially stable place.

I'm not saying I'm the poorest in the land. I understand that I have a lot that I don't deserve and a heck of a lot more than so many people. But it just never seems like enough.

My mom said, "It just seems to me that you are getting freaked out and upset over things way to much. Why do you compare yourself so much to other people? You make your student loan debt sound like the end of the world, I know it's not great but it's also not that big of a deal. You can do things to change your life. Reduce your student loan bills, no you don't want to do that. Take a second job, no you don't want to give up your free time. You could have moved home and reduced your bills, no you didn't want to do that. What do you want, you want a different job. Okay those are hard to come by right now, so what do you can you do to improve your life right now until then? I know it's no fun when everyone around you seems like money is no object. But really you need to relax, it is not the end of the world. This to shall pass."

I don't think I know how to relax with money. It's like a first date that never ends. It stresses me out to the core.

I have this friend

2008-11-11T20:34:00.000-08:00

One of my best friends is going through a really unexpected and unfortunate breakup right now. She's doing a lot better now than she was this weekend when they called it quits, but it's been extremely hard on her. She was the one that was caught off guard and didn't want it to end. But you can't control another person, especially when they aren't willing to talk, explain, or get help. I've been talking to her and visiting with her a lot lately, which is fantastic, but I wish the circumstances were better. The thing that sucks the most is that this breakup doesn't make much sense. I'm not going to get into it but all I can say is that my heart goes out to her and I hope that she can try to close this chapter of her life, if even for a little while, and move on. If she needs to revisit this experience in a few weeks or months I hope she is ready to do it.

This is all that has been on my mind for days. I love her very much and wish I could make it all better. But this is part of life and she needs to experience this moment and learn all that she can from it, as she has been doing with more strength than I think I would have in her shoes. She doesn't deserve to go through all this pain but I know she will be a better person because of it. God uses the difficult times, like this one, to teach and give us wisdom. It may have been unexpected, but I think it was necessary. Now she has the opportunity to grow into the person she's always wanted to be, and do the things she's always wanted to do. She still loves him, and it's hard to think about a future without him, but things will be ok. God is taking care of her.

Obama

2008-11-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

I have never been so excited to be an american as I am right now.

Obama and Biden won! I was literally speechless when they announced it. I had been watching it all day and rooting for them. It's just crazy to think that we have the very first African American president in United States history! This moment cannot be ruined. I have some McCain and Palin supporter friends who are pretty upset about the democratic win. One friend even said that we all need to be praying for our country for the next four years. Yes, we need prayer, as we always do, but not because the republicans lost the office. It's not all about the party. We need prayer because times are changing and our country has been going through some extremely difficult times for the past few years. No matter who the president is, we need to support them and pray for the tough decisions he/she will face.

I liked McCain and think he would have done a fine job as president. And I understand that he was a good pick for many Christians with strong opinions on gay marriage and abortion. But I feel as though those were the only issues that mattered to many republican voters and that is very unfortunate. I believe that Obama is about something bigger than typical party traditions. Obama is going to put hope and excitement back into the hearts of americans. He's going to unite us and teach us what it really means to be equal! He's going to change us, and that is a fact.

I am very happy.

Ethel on Halloween

2008-10-31T15:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween! My coworker, Courtney, and I dressed up as little old women at the Front Desk. She's Gertrude HOLLAND and I'm Ethel AMERICA. People loved it. This photos doesn't properly show off all my wrinkles, but trust me they are there and they are awesome. I look pretty old. Someone told me to take some anti-aging pills. Haha. Oh how I love holidays. Everyone is just in a good mood and things are laid back.

My dad always gets really into Halloween and has trained my brother and I to do that same. It's one of my favorite holidays too! So I'm really excited that it's on a Friday this year and we can go share tonight with our dad.

The Rant Is Over

2008-10-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm not so upset anymore. Sometimes you just need to rant a bit.

Everything worked out with and Greg is going to come with us this weekend to my dads house! He got the day off and I traded shifts with my coworker to get off early. I am really excited. I know Greg's family really well and see them quite often. And I've always enjoyed being a part of their family. I mean, they want me to be in their Christmas cards because they think so much of me as family. It's such a blessing for me to be so close with them. My mom and step dad consider Greg part of our family too. They know him and love him and always include him in family plans. But unfortunatley Greg has never had that kind of a relationship with my dad. I barely see my dad and Greg sees him even less, maybe once a year. I hate that. I want them to get to know each other so badly! They are both extremely important to me and neither one of them is going anywhere. They will both continue to be in my life for years and years to come. And I long for them to be closer.

Needless to say this weekend is a big deal to me.

Agrivated Family Rant

2008-10-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Vancouver this weekend with my brother to visit our dad for Halloween. I've been really excited about it for days because I miss my dad a lot. First of all, we haven't seen him in months (7 months to be exact) and it's taken us forever to get my dad to nail down a good weekend for us to see him. Seriously, we've been calling him for months about a visit and he always has plans. He told me that 8 weekends in a row were busy with work stuff. I believe he had work stuff going on because I know they had a luau, but 8 weeks in a row? That's hard for me to believe. And then he called me on my birthday and told me that he and his girlfriend just got back from a weekend getaway together. I was really upset to hear that. How can you tell me that you are busy for 2 months in a row, and then tell me that you had time to go off with your girlfriend, who you live with?! I mean really!

And then to top it off I e-mailed my dad last week and asked him if Greg could come with Derek and I this weekend because they haven't seen each other in a year and I really want them to get to know each other better. And my brother thought it would be fun to have Greg there so they can hang out and play music together. And then my dad called me today and left a message with a million excuses about why he was conserned to have Greg come with us. Like, not knowing what he wants to do for Halloween, and wanting to send my brother home with some big speakers and needing the space in our car. And I guess he and his girlfriend wanted to take my brother and I out to dinner for our birthdays and spend some time with us since they haven't seen us in so long. Well who's fault is that?! We've been trying to see you. Besides, that's not really fair to have your girlfriend there when my boyfriend can't be. I've been with Greg longer than you've even known Melanie and Greg and I are talking about marriage. I'd like you to get to know him! Now of course, these are all things I've want to say but can't find the words to express with my dad.

I just pisses me off and my brother and I want to talk to him about this stuff but never have the chance to. But today is my brothers birthday and we're going to hang out when I get off work. I hope we'll be able to talk about this stuff and figure out what to do. I love my brother. I don't know what I would do without him. He's the only one in the world that understands my relationship with my dad, because his is exactly the same.

Excited and Nervous

2008-10-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks Greg and I have been getting more serious about the future. Even as far as trying to talk about a timeline for engagement and marriage. We decided that we want to read a book on marriage together. It would just help us to get a better perspective and focus on issues we may have not considered. Greg and I have both spoken to our parents, a few of our friends who are newlyweds, and our old youth pastor about marriage and books to read. And they all recommended the book Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Les and Leslie Parrot. I've heard great things and not so great things, but we're gonna read it anyway. I am excited and for us to take this next step together and start moving towards our future.

I haven't told many people about these changes in our relationship because I don't really know how to. I just feel awkward and don't want to be judged or questioned when we are still trying to figure things out. But I told my house about Greg and I last night. I had told a couple of them before but the others had no idea Greg and I were talking about marriage. I was kind of nervous to tell them anything which is why I kept putting it off. I just didn't think they would understand whats going through my mind right now having never been at this place before. Plus, I just don't know them that well and feel weird telling them things like that. But I did it. I'm glad. Now it's out in the open and I will feel more comfortable talking about it.

I sound kind of depressed when I talk about marrying Greg though. I'm NOT! I'm excited! But I feel like I try to hide my excitement because I'm afraid of what other people will think about it. So I'm just like, "Yeah, Greg and I have been talking about marriage. I don't know. It's weird. I've just never been here before. It's weird. I don't know. We're gonna read a book together about it. We got some recommendations from some friends and our old youth pastor about it. It's weird. I don't know." UGH. I always end up sounding so unexcited and depressing! But I know how I feel and how Greg feels. I'm just nervous!

I love Greg and am excited to talk more about these things with him, learn more about how he operates and what he expects out of a marriage. I want to get engaged and plan our wedding together, decide where to live and start a life as one. So please done misunderstand me if I don't sound excited, because I am!

Honestly

2008-10-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wish I could just feel free to blog online without worrying about hurting someones feelings. I like blogging online. I like the whole idea of being able to say everything I want to say and be completely honest with my friends who are reading. E-mail communication/text messaging is my fav, even though it's the wussie way. Face-to-face is pretty difficult for me. I have opinions, beliefs and feelings but I don't know how to express them to others in a understandable way. So I get nervous and quite and hide things that are an important peice of the puzzle. That's why I like blogs. You can't interupt someone in a blog with questions, unwanted advise or tell-me-all-about-youself stares that I hate so much. There are things I'd love to say right now. Things I'd love to get out in the open. But it really doesn't work like that. A blog isn't the place. I need to work on my one-on-one ability.

Twenty-two

2008-10-07T09:03:00.000-07:00

Today is my BIRTHDAY! I am tweeeenty-twoooo years old

This morning Alex and Greg woke up early and came over to have breakfast with Lindsey and me. Every year since I was born I've had Mickey Mouse pancakes the morning of my birthday. It's a tradition! It may seem slightly childish but I love it! When Greg poured the cake batter into the pan I got a huge smile on my face. Mickey Mouse pancakes make me feel happy and special.

At breakfast, Lindsey asked me what I did this year. And when I couldn't think of anything she said, "Andrea, you're making me question why I love you." Sad. I know she was just kidding but I couldn't stop thinking about it on the bus. What did I do this year??? It was a weird year to be honest, one of the hardest I've had yet. Between missing Greg for nearly 4 months, saying goodbye to my dad for a year and a half and going from crappy job to crappy job, my 21st year was a struggle to say the least. I can't really measure my year in events or changes, but more in personal growth. I became much stronger and indepandant this year. Many factors played into that and I think it was the combination of all of them that made this year memorable. When I look back on this year, patience comes to mind. It wasn't what I was expecting but I'm a patient survivor!

Tonight, I'm gonna go out to dinner with Greg and then go to the movies with some friends. Should be fun!

Update (12:48p): My coworker decorated my desk with streamers, balloons and confetti while I was on break! And to top it off, I just won 3 tickets to see The Three Musketeers at the Rep tomorrow night!! This day is just getting better and better. :)

Dreaming of the East Coast Again

2008-10-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'm desperatly craving to go to New York City for Thanksgiving with Greg. We went there last year and it was unbelieveable... seriously! It was the best vacation I've ever had, topping Paris, Geneva and Brussels. But to be honest, I think the reason it was such a great trip had a lot to do with Greg and the fact that I am basically in love with the east coast.

I got the time off from work and my parents said they'd use their flyer miles and fly me out there for my birthday gift! YES. So now it's up to Greg to work things out and see if we can go. I really hope it all works out! I have been thinking about it everyday and planning/researching prices and etc... I've been kind of obsessed with the idea really.

The thing is, it was such a great experience last year and it brought Greg and I closer together. The trip came at just the right time in our relationship too. We had been apart for 2 1/2 months when we met up in New York and were having some troubble before he left. So that week we spent together was some of the most quality time we'd ever had. I think it's much easier to talk and get to know someone when you're alone together in a new place and away from everyone and everything that you're used to. It's harder to hide behind normal distractions when you're in a new environment leaving you so exposed and dependant on the other person. I would love to just get away and share some quality time like that with Greg where we can learn more about each other and grow deeper, something we've been wanting and needing to do recently. We need get more serious and figure some things out about our future. This trip would be such a blessing to our relationship in so many ways.

I want to go so badly! I don't know why but I am just soooo drawn to traveling. I just can't stay in one place forever. I moved around every year or two growing up and the thought of staying in one place, looking at the same things everyday sounds so boring to me. Traveling is a passion of mine. If money wasn't so unattainable and students loans weren't so haunting, I'd be out and about this very moment. I am desperate to travel the world. I want to see/do/hear/listen/live/love everything I can. God's made such a diverse and interesting world and I want to explore every inch of it.

A New Couple

2008-09-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

Greg and I have had a lot of really good days lately. Like yesterday! Sundays are the only days that we both have off so we try to spend the day together. We went to Bhy Kracke Park in Queen Anne and played a dice game together. Even though I lost I still had a good time learning something new and hanging out on a nice day. After that I took him over to Parsons Gardens on the other side of Queen Anne. If you haven't been there I highly reccomend it. It has a really pretty view of the water and downtown is not visible. It seems like every lookout point in Seattle is all about the big buildings and construction downtown. It's refreshing to see the Puget Sound from a different angle and more of a natural view.

We ended up talking a but about two good friends of ours that just started dating. We are both really excited for them and only hope that we can help each other out as couples. It's been quite awhile since either of them have been in a relationship, and it is pretty much all I know. I hope they feel comfortable and able to come to Greg and I for advise or open ears. We would really like to be able to be a part of their new chapter and learn from them on the way. They are both beautiful friends who have taught me so much already, and I know that there is plently more I can learn from them about a loving relationship, which I know they will have.

Because of our friends entering into a dating relationship, Greg and I couldn't help but flash back to our past and begining, which is good for us to relfect on when thinking about the future. Anyways, our conservation was sooooo good. I just love him so much.

Do the Puyallup

2008-09-18T14:54:00.002-07:00

Last night Greg and I did the Puyallup. No, that's not dirty, it's the Puyallup Fair. Our trip was pretty spontaneous too! I called Greg on my afternoon break and he just mentioned the fair and all of a sudden I said, "LETS GO!!" and got overwhelmingly excited about it. So, as usual and not jumping the gun, Greg said he'd look into it and call me back. But I was bummed because, unlike Greg, I was ready to go that very moment. He doesn't decide things quite so quickly. But we decided to go an hour later. Greg stopped by my house, grabbed a few things I needed, and then picked me up from work and took me to the fair!

We saw a hypnotist show. Haha. It was basically the exact same show that it is every year but Greg had never seen it. In fact, he hadn't been to the fair in probably 10 years! We laughed a lot and had a great time. We also split a delicious cinnamon and sugar elephant ear after the show! MY FAVORITE. I never go to the fair without buying one. But one of my favorite parts was just walking around the petting zoo with Greg wile watching and learning about lots of world animals such as zebras, llamas, yaks, rams, camels etc... oh and cows and sheep of course.

Did you know a gallon of water weighs 8lbs, and a milk weigh 8.6lbs?
Cows are milked twice a day and can loose up to 50lbs of milk each time?!
Cows are pregnant for 9 months too?
And their babies weight anywhere from 80-100lbs?!

Anyways, the night ended with a spinning ferris wheel ride that could make anyone sick and/or pee their pants. Oh my goodness I was cracking up! And that wasn't it either. We also went on an awesome rollercoaster that went a lot faster than I thought it would... thats for sure. Rides are amazing.

Growing up I always thought that going to the fair with a boy would be the perfect date night. I always dreamed of being there at night, walking around, going on rides together and sharing cotton candy (except that I hate cotton candy). In my 12 year old mind it sounded romantic. Now, I don't know about romance, but it sure was fun. I'd never been to a fair with Greg before. It was an exciting and unfamiliar setting, which is hard to come by in a long-term relationship like ours. I think it's important for couples to purposefully make time do something out of the ordinary, alone and together. And it's especially important for Greg and I because we both live in large houses with many friends and where it's easy to be surround by people constantly. Don't get me wrong, we value each moment we have with our friends, but it can negatively effect our relationship if every moment spent together is shared by half a dozen other people too.

Reunited and it Feels So Good

2008-09-18T14:54:00.001-07:00

For the past two weeks, my parents were on a cruise together and it was the first time they had seen each other in 8 months! I'm really happy for them but I can't help but feel jealous. Not only did they get to travel all over Europe (Italy, France, Croatia, Spain, Greece, England...) but my mom actually got to see my dad. I haven't seen him since the begining of January when he left to serve his overseas duty in Bahrain. And we just found out that his trip was ofically extended to June '09. There is a chance that he will be able to come home for Christmas! I hope so much that that all works out.

Graf

2008-09-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

As I watch yet another couple unite for marriage I can't help but think "when that be me?" Chris and Andrea got married on Saturday and it was a beautiful thing to be a part of. They were really ready for it. Andrea (not me) has wanted to marry Chris for years. She cried a lot during the ceremony and it was really sweet.

I exchanged looks with Greg during the reception speaches and I got excited for if and when our time comes. I've said it over and over again so I'm sorry to be redundant but we are in no rush. I have some friends who, in my opinion, seem to be in a bit of a rush, and that just makes me want to slow down even more. I have had many friends tell me that they look up to Greg and I for our patience. I feel very proud to be a role model in that way but sometimes I feel like that reputation is making conservation about marriage difficult between us. If we constantly say, "now is not the time" then the time will never come. And I don't want to end up one of those couples that dates for 10 years and then decides just to move in together and get a cat because marriage isn't a big deal. It is a big deal to me and I can't wait to be married. It's a whole new begining and something I know God wants for me.

Sorry if you feel this is all I've been talking about but this is mostly what has been on my mind. All of these weddings this summer are dangerous. The more of them I attend the more I want to get married. Maybe this is good. Greg and I haven't been able to talk about marriage as much as we've been wanting to but it has come up multiple times. I think these weddings have been push in the right direction. And by that I don't necessarily mean a push towards marriage, but instead a push towards thought and open discusion among Greg and I, as well as our friends.

Ethan & Lynette

2008-09-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

are freaking married!

I still can't help but feel old as I watch my friends of the last 8 years get married. I watched them enter high school, get braces, learn to drive, apply for college and graduate... and now they are married! I also saw a TON of my old friends from high school, some of which I haven't seen in over 4 years. And many of them are college graduates with jobs and kids and spouses as well. I had a blast catching up and running around joking like I used to. I loved the person I was in high school. And I love the person I am when I'm around my high school friends. I miss that Andrea often times.

Ethan and Lynette's wedding just made me more excited to have a wedding, not necessarily get married. I know that sounds silly but I seriously can't wait to have our entire families together in the same room with my my best friends from from high school, college and other walks of life. I don't want to spend a lot of money but I want to have a big party to celebrate and share the moment with everyone I love. I have 3 sets of familes they barely know each other (mom, stepdad and real dad), and know Greg's family even less than that. And I have family that have never seen my best friends from college before. I want everyone I love to be together and love each other. I want everyone who has been a part of my life to come together and be a part of each others lives, even if just for a day. I would have that big party right now if I could but that seems silly and no one would come unless it was a wedding.

Weddings, weddings, weddings. They are exciting and fun but it's really just the same thing over and over again with differnet people. I want one, but I don't want it to be another lame waste of money. And I don't care how many brides say they want a big perfect wedding for their guests... they really want the big perfect wedding for themselves. Guests don't care about the money or flowers/colors and lights. Weddings are selfish. And as much I am against a giant empty-your-wallets kind of wedding I can understand the selfish desire to have a pretty wedding. It's a once in a lifetime event that the bride and groom will never forget. It's a special moment that will be captured by photos and memories for ages. I want to have fond memories and an enjoyable time too. I can see myself getting swept away by the whole idea of a wedding though. But when I get married I hope to be realistic and down to earth.

New Atmosphere

2008-09-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

My house has changed. The colors, the people, the belongings, and the atmosphere. I am excited about these new things but I can't help but long for the past. I miss my old roommates, routine, and the comfort I used to have in my house. It's not that I am necessarily uncomfortable now, but things are just different. Maybe it's just because its the first week and half of our house is missing. And everywhere you look there are boxes and piles of furniture waiting to be set up. It will be great when things settle down and I get to know the new kids.

I live in a yellow submarine. See my room:

In other news, my parents are meeting up in Barcelona, Spain today! They haven't seen each other in 8 months! My stepdad moved to Bahrain in January for his overseas duty in the Navy. But he is on vacation right now and gets to go on a 12 day European Cruise with my mom! :)

Love One Another

2008-08-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

Love One Another was the chorus of a song that I sang at church yesterday. After the song ended the lyrics wouldn't leave me. I even had a difficult time paying attention to the sermon, which unfortunatly had nothing to do with the song. What I realized is that I am really bad at showing love to my friends.

I spent my Friday night in the ER with my diabetic friend Cory as his blood sugar was the highest it's ever been. I was scared. I love Cory so much and it was hard for me to see him in pain. I did everything I could to comfort him. I have a mental image of him crying as I held a wet cloth on his forhead and held his hand in the back of the car. I breaks my heart to think of that moment. But what really gets me is that at the end of the night, saying goodbye to him at his house, I wanted more than anything to tell him that I loved him. Multiple times my mouth began to say it but something always stopped me. I just couldn't bring myself to say it.

I love my friends, but I have issues letting them know that. I hope holding his hand was enough. I hope sitting in the ER listening to him talk about anything and everything on his mind for 2 1/2 hours was enough to let him know that I care about him. Maybe someday I'll be able to tell him.

Flake

2008-08-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

My friend is such a flake. I can't even believe it. She leaves me speachless yet filled with angry words about how wrong she is! Ugh. It never ends and there's nothing I can do about it. I try to keep the relationship going and I know it needs a lot of attention, but I'm on the verge of giving up (and I've been there and back again and again).

She wont admit it but she hates it when I'm one step ahead of her and she tries way too hard to be one step ahead of me. But she does it by ignoring me, bailing out on plans and keeping things to herself.

Drives me nuts...

Sleep Deprived

2008-07-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

I need a nap, a big one. No matter how many times I tell myself, "today's the day I go to bed early," I never do it. I feel weak, out of it, saggy eyed and dirty haired. I don't have the energy to stop myself from yawning. I feel this way all morning and afternoon but by the time I get home, without fail, I am magically awake again and unable to go to bed at decent hour. I could easily crash into my keyboard right now and check out for a few hours. Yawn. Stretch. Slouch in my chair. Watery eyes.

What makes it worse is that the light at the end of the tunnel is still miles away. Every weekend of mine is consumed with plans. Camping trip, birthday movie and dinner in the park, berry picking, bridal and baby showers, airport pick up, portland visit, bachlorette party, rehersal dinner and 3 weddings... and that's just the next 5 weeks.

I want to stay in bed until noon on a Saturday wearing my pjs until it's time to sleep again. But that feels far out of reach right now. Will I catch some good z's tonight? Please!?

Derek

2008-07-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

My brother makes me happy. I mean, sometimes he drives me crazy, and our relationship is never perfect, but he has been my best friend my entire life. And there is nothing he could do that would make me love him any less. He is a huge part of who I am today. And I can honestly say that I wouldn't be the same without him. I told him that I want him to me my Maid of Honor when I get married but he thinks that is just too weird. Ever heard of a Man of Honor??? I guess not. So I'm still working on that one... Haha.

These photos are from last weekend at Derek's work party. We spent the whole day together! :)

Ocean Shores... finally

2008-07-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

I am back from the coast. Oh the ocean. It was exactly what I needed and was dreading all rolled into one. I got pretty irritated with a particular person but besides that camping over the 4th of July was fantastic. Waking up every morning to birds chirping and light rain drops dripping off the trees and onto my tent just refreshed me and make it feel like summer. I didn't get to do everything on my list (no frisbee, no firework stands, no hot tub) but that didn't matter because it was nice just to relax and not try to pack in a ton of activities. I bought a beautiful kite most likely made from used windbreakers from the 90s. See photo for explanation.

*Funny story: while Greg and I were flying my kite on the beach I saw one of my old theology professor from SPU. He walked in between me and Greg with the kite overhead. I pointed at him as soon as I was out of his side view and tried to get Greg to see who it was. But while pointing at him and not paying attention to my kite I accidentally lost control and the kite came crashing down. The string from the kite wrapped around the neck of my old college professor! Wearing my sunglasses and hood from my sweatshirt I just yelled "Sorry!" without saying hello. I don't think he realized it was me... I hope.

I wish I was still camping.

Ocean Shores will always have a special place in my heart.

Ocean Shores Camping Trip

2008-06-30T16:45:00.000-07:00

I am SO excited for this weekend. Thursday can't come fast enough. I am going camping in Ocean Shores again and finally! Greg's family has been going camping every year for the past 15 years or so and when Greg and I started dating my family started going with them. So we went in 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005. But sadly I wasn't able to go in 2006 or 2007 because I was in Paris and Geneva. BUT-- I am FINALLY going to go in just 3 days!

It's weird though. I haven't been in the US for the 4th of July in 3 years. The Ocean Shores trip has always been something I look forward to every single year, so it feels really good to actually be going this time!

I can't wait to...
...sleep in my sleeping bag and my 10 person tent
...roast hot dogs and marshmallows for smores
...swim in the pool at the campground
...building sandcastles and blow them up with sparkler bombs
...play Frisbee in the muddy sand along the water
...grab a flashlight and hike to the bathrooms
...play card games in the trailer
...listen to music on the drive
...stop at an Indian reservation and buying fireworks
...light fireworks off at the beach and watch miles and miles in all directions
...look for logs to start a fire in the sand
...take loads of photos to bring back funny memories.
There is just SO much to look forward to!

Here are some photos from the last time I went:

(Me and Greg checking out all our fireworks in the trailer in 2005)

(Bryan, Alden and Greg in the tent within a tent in 2005)

(Derek and Naomi playing with marshmallows in 2005)

(Alden and his exgirlfriend playing in the water in 2005)

(The guys lighting fireworks off in 2005)

(Greg and I driving in the car in 2005)

I'M GOING CAMPING!!!

Quantity vs. Quality

2008-06-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

Ever heard the saying “It’s not about the quantity, it’s about the quality?” Well I must have been out sick and missed that lesson in Social Life 101. Even though I’ve always said I wanted to have 2 or 3 really good friends that I could seriously open up to and understand on a deeper level, I seem to have changed my mind without realizing it. When I take a step back and a good look at my relationships I see that I have a TON of friends, but only ONE best friend (Greg).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am extremely thankful that I at least have one other person to love and spend valuable time with. Greg is an amazing blessing in my life and I couldn’t ask for a better best friend. I understand that many people aren’t as fortunate to have a best friend like him. But the only downside is that I tend to get extremely lonely whenever Greg isn’t around. And I don’t want to put that much pressure on him. He should be free to go and do whatever he pleases without having to worry if I’ll be ok without him. I don’t want to rely on him so much to the point where he beings to suffocate. It’s not that dramatic quite yet but if I don’t start working on other relationships and going deeper with my friends Greg will start to feel me weighing him down.

I don’t know my friends on the level that I want to know them on. To be completely honest, many of them intimidate me with their intelligence and hobbies and I don’t feel comfortable being myself. I don’t know if it just happens to be the particular friends I have or if it’s me being stubborn, self-conscious and unwilling to take a chance, relax and allow my friendships room to grow.

I don’t remember it ever being this hard before. I used to be so good at making friends, getting to know people, being myself and so on. But since coming to college I have become more reserved. People are a lot different in college and beyond. As an adult you meet others who didn’t grow up in your hometown, know all the same people and go to the same hang out spots. They have different backgrounds, ideas, interests and beliefs. And it only gets harder as I grow up and start to meet more people who weren’t college graduates and Christians like me. People become more complex with time, and I seem to become more afraid.

This happened tonight. Greg was busy and I was lonely and afraid. Afraid to call anyone and end up faking who I am, because that’s what usually happens around my friends. Greg is the only one that I feel completely myself around. And I guess part of me would rather have no friends than be fake with a lot of friends. It sure would be wonderful if I could figure out how to be real with all of my friends instead of lacking any deep relationships.

But I don’t even know if trying to make more best friends is what I need to be doing or if I’m just being selfish. Maybe God only wants me to have one best friend and wants me to be satisfied and thankful for what He’s given me. But either way something is off. I’m not making an effort in either perspective.

6 years already?? That's a 1st grader!

2008-06-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

Spring finally showed up! So Cory, Greg and I hopped on a ferry and went to Port Orchard for the evening. We went out to the front of the ferry, soaked up the sun and let the wind fix our hair. Lovely.

That day was great but the next day was even better! It was my 6 year anniversary with Greg! Crazy. Unfortunately though, the night started off semi-unpleasant with a misunderstanding and poor communication. Something came up and Greg wanted to celebrate our anniversary with me the next day instead, which really bothered me because he seemed like he didn't even care. Even though he had a legitimate excuse for not being able to celebrate with me, the way he went about telling me that was kind of hurtful, even though it wasn't his intention to be that way. Greg tried to talk it out with me and figure out what we should do but I was being stubborn and difficult. Greg is really good with me though. He is patient and persistent when trying to work things out. I need that. Often when I disagree with someone I just want to quit, but Greg doesn't let me hold a grudge. He cheers me up and then is apologetic when I'm ready to hear it. He's great!

Things worked out and we ended up going to the Seattle Waterfront Arcade later that night, which was so much fun! I felt like we were back in high school again. We played air hockey, basketball, ice ball, shark attack and so on. We probably spent about $10 in quarters and had entertainment for well over an hour. We also went out to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner... at like 10:30pm! But even though the night was late, it was what we needed, to be alone together and have fun again. And we had really good conservation at dinner, where we were both talking about an issue and giving our opinions on the matter. And I really like when we are both able to speak intelligently and debate about something important. We learn a lot about each other that way.

So even though we aren't that great at celebrating each year (we did nothing the past 2 years... haha), this anniversary was really fun!

It really doesn't feel like 6 years already. But I guess time flies when you're having fun.

Hope & a Plan

2008-06-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

I got the job at Holland America Line today! My official start date is on Monday, June 16th. With BENEFITS! I also get 5 days of paid vacation for the rest of the year, but unfortunately I have to wait 6 months to use it, and it expires in February. So I have to use it sometime in January I guess. I better start planning a trip in January (Disney Land maybe?)! But thank goodness... I can relax a bit now. Pheeew!

This whole year I've been really frustrated with the after college reality that I wasn't expecting. It seems that everyone... everywhere... wants 1-2 years at least of office experience before they will hire you. But I didn't understand where I was supposed to find that magic experience if no one would hire me! So needless to say, I am very relieved I got this job. It defiantly isn't the job I wanted, but the experience and patience is what I need right now.

Plus the perks are pretty sweet! I get a free cruise every year, so I think I will go on a cruise in June or July with my family! And then after that I'll start looking, applying and interviewing for nonprofit jobs. And THEN after I get a good job I'll quit my job here and begin at a nonprofit! Yippie! At least that's the plan. We'll see what God has in store for me though.

My One Year Plan:
jun- work/6 year anniversary with Greg
jul- work/4th of july camping trip/moms b-day
aug- work/friends bridal shower/dads b-day
sep- work/2 weddings
oct- work/22nd b-day/brothers 23 b-day
nov- work/thanksgiving
dec- work/Christmas
jan- work/vacation/news years/dads b-day
feb- work/valentines day
mar- work/St Patrick's day
apr- work/Greg's 22nd b-day
may- work
jun- work/vacation (cruise)/job hunt/7 year anniversary with Greg
jul- get new job and quit this one!

I am gross

2008-06-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

I feel pretty Oh so pretty... Ok, not really. I actually feel pretty gross and manish right now. I've been putting off my laundry and cleaning for far too long. I want to get dressed up and go out on a date with Greg. Curl my hair. Put on a dress. Maybe a little makeup. I'm usually not that girlie but wearing holy jeans and a stingy tee-shirt all the time makes me want to clean up and look pretty. And I'm at that point.

Is that shallow?

Ferry Ride

2008-05-11T01:05:00.000-07:00

I rode the ferry from Seattle to Bremerton by myself this morning. It was lovely. This is what I saw:

Ferry Ride

There are flags on the ferry
Proudly up front
Flapping around in every direction
This is new
In all my years as a passenger I’ve never seen this before
France
Japan
What is this for?
No one seems to care
I think this is weird

Two people step out
The wind blows through their hair

A little girl starts dancing
Blonde hair
A pink sweater
Her mom joins the scene
Blonde hair
A pink jacket
They hold hands and walk away

Here comes a worker
Keys jingle softly
She takes out the trash
The metal squeaks
My skin jumps
Again it happens until she is done

The flapping flags slow down a bit
And still no one seems to care

One little boy at the front of the ship
Watches the boat cut through the water

Cell phones
Newspapers
Candy wrappers
Children
The ferry is quiet today

A man comes around with a survey to fill out
I close my eyes and pretend I am napping
It worked

A helicopter flies over the boat
The boy at the front watches it go
Mouth hanging open
Excitement in his eyes

The boat changes direction
The flags slow down even more
France
Japan
Switzerland
I don’t know the rest
I can only see six

The pink mother and daughter walk to the front of the boat
The wind instantly blows back their blonde hair
Quickly they come back into the warm of the boat
“This way honey” the mom says as they walk back to their seats

Ten minutes left
You can see where we’re going
Passengers begin waiting at the front of the ferry

Someone comes in
The door is stuck open
I’m getting cold as the wind blows my brown hair
A woman gets up
And closes the door
My new favorite person

An announcement is made that we are just about there

An employee walks by
I take my feet off the chair

I pack up my stuff
I’m ready to go

The ferry bangs on the dock
The flags come to a stop

Employment

2008-05-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

Greg just got hired at a sweet bike shop today! And he starts tomorrow! Yippie! I'm SO excited for him.

Unfortunately, the very same day my 'lousy data entry job' got lousier. With no notice my entire department was let go a few hours ago due to budget issues. I just found out that today is my last day... not good. Time to do what I hate the most in life... job hunt.

God, I don't understand your timing.

This Year's Adventures!

2008-04-29T15:55:00.001-07:00

I find it really hard to believe that I graduated from college almost a year ago. I haven’t had to do homework, group projects, presentations or exams in ages. It’s an accomplishment and a sadness all rolled into one. Looking back on this past year I am proud of myself. I don’t feel like I have gotten anywhere professionally, but I’m okay with that. I never wanted my life to be all about my career. Right now, I have a lousy data entry job… and I love it. It is giving me a tiny bit of experience in an office setting. I’ve used phones a lot more, done butt loads of internet research, gained more data entry skills, learned PC shortcuts, and worked with all new software and programs I had never even heard of. And although this definitely isn’t my dream job, it’s ideal for where I am in my life right now.

There are plenty of other things that are more important to me, and since graduating and getting a meaningless job, I have been able to focus on other things.

Things I have done this year that I never thought I would get to do:

1. Graduate from college
2. Celebrate my 5 year anniversary with Greg
3. Go to Switzerland, Belgium, Luxembourg and France
4. Hike Mont Blanc in the French Alps
5. Paraglide of the edge of a huge cliff
6. Live in my first house with real bills
7. Canoe
8. Ride in Critical Mass
9. Work my first 40 hour a week job

10. Turn 21 and drink alcohol for the first time
11. Be independent for 3 ½ months while Greg studied on the east coast
12. Go to New York City, and Martha's Vineyard
13. See the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and A Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh
14. Teach myself how to sew and make some really cool things

Life isn’t all about work. It’s full of creativity, people, adventure, passion and fun!

Broken Toe

2008-04-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

I was stupid and stubbed my toe REALLY hard on a box up paper Thursday night. I ended up breaking my pinky toe.

This photo was taken today, three days after the unfortunate event.

Across the Big Blue Ocean

2008-04-16T14:22:00.001-07:00

My stepdad is amazing. He has the very best sense of humor, the kind that everyone can appreciate. Silliness! He cracks jokes a lot and half the time they don’t even make sense, and he knows it. But it makes everyone laugh. And you just can’t help but like him!

I miss him. I haven’t seen my stepdad since Christmas because he is in the Navy and is on his overseas duty in Bahrain. He was only supposed to be there for a year, but now it has been pushed back and he will be gone for a year and half. And what makes it worse is that family isn’t allowed to live over there, otherwise my mom would be there in a heartbeat. But instead, she lives here (with my brother) and he lives there. She really misses him. I can’t blame her. When Greg was gone for 3 ½ months I could barely handle it, but this is much worse. And at least Greg was safe. I mean, he isn’t in immediate danger over there, but he is pretty close to Iraq.

Pictures he sent me today:

He and my mom Skype each other a lot, which is great, but it just doesn’t compare being together. And my brother and I don’t have Skype. But its ok, because he recently downloaded MSN instant messenger so he can talk to me while I am at work! And we challenge each other to a game of Uno whenever he gets online! It’s really fun and risky as I can’t let anyone see me playing at work. Haha. But my family loves playing board games and card games together. So when I get to play online with my dad it’s great because feels like normal again. Awww...

Only 15 more months to go!

A Second Family

2008-04-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Thank you sunshine. Thank you July weather! What a perfect weekend…

I got to spend some with Greg and his family on Friday night. I really love them. They are definitely a second family to me. I’ve known them forever and I feel completely comfortable when I’m with them. But I know I take them for granted too often. I have a lot of friends who hate their ‘in-laws’ and many who don’t even know them. My roommate for example strongly dislikes her boyfriend’s mother and avoids speaking to her if she can help it. And when my mom married my stepdad, his parents almost didn’t come to the wedding because they hated my mother so much. They gave them a savings bond for their wedding gift and my parents still haven’t been able to open it… and that was 15 years ago already! But I could easily spend one-on-one time with anyone in Greg’s family without peeing my pants or dreading every minute of it. They can be a bit ridiculous and often frustrating, but for the most part, they are fun and loving people who have welcomed me into their family time and time again.

(Andrea, get it together and insert photos here!)

Hello 21

2008-04-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

Birthdays are the best days of the year. Luckily there are tons of them everyday! Greg's was on Monday and it was a biggie. He reached the magical number of 21. Happy birthday Greg! After putt-putt golf and homemade dinner, we went to The Pink Door Bar near the Pike Place Market for drinks with some friends. I know it sounds very innocent and unheard-of nowadays, but both Greg and I waited until we were 21 years old to drink any alcohol, not even a little wine at communion… bring on the grape juice! And I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently because the part of the reason that some consider me to be a goodie-two-shoes is simply because I didn’t drink until this year. In high school, and college too, there is so much peer pressure to rebel and party and if you don’t people try to avoid you and your judging ways.

I’m glad I waited to drink. I honestly don’t think I missed much with alcohol, but I’m sure that’s partially due to the fact that I haven’t yet acquired much of a taste for it yet. Right now a lot of it is just pretty gross.

It really wasn't that difficult for me to wait until this year to drink. When you hear about high school students drinking the typical reasons given are peer pressure, rebellion, the taste and addiction, and pure fun and games. And yeah that’s all true, but none of those mattered much to me. The only thing that makes me almost regret not drinking is the goodie-two-shoes reputation that came along with it and stopped people from opening up. It doesn’t bother me to be thought of as mature and a rule follower, but it does bother me when friends don’t feel comfortable talking to me about things because I don’t do them myself. But it wouldn’t have been worth it… just to drink so someone would tell me all their secrets? No thanks. I had really great friends who were fun to be with and talk to, even if they didn’t tell me everything. I’m proud that I didn’t have to compromise my personal goals and beliefs for anyone. I waited to drink. And although it’s not for everyone, for me personally, it made me stronger and patient.

However, the time has passed and we are older now. Hello 21. It’s nice to meet you.

Greg with his first drink:

Greg & Me:

It was weird to see Greg drink. He seemed kinda nervous. He wasn't anywhere near drunk, but after his own drink, a few sips of other's drinks and 2 shots... he was kinda giggly. Haha. It was fun.

Uncomfortable Confessions

2008-04-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

I always find it interesting when Greg and I talk and learn something new about each other. I’ve known him for almost 7 years now and I often feel like there isn’t anything he could tell me about himself that I don’t already know. But surprisingly, there are tons of things!

We started talking about marriage and divorce, a recurring topic I seem to share with everyone. Greg said something about how it didn’t seem like my parents had anything to divorce over besides the fact that they didn’t really like each other anymore. I disagreed, and began crying, while I talked about all of the serious anger issues, holes in the walls and adultery. Then I looked up at Greg and to my surprise I noticed that his eyes were larger than usual and his face informed me that he had never heard about any of that before. To be honest I thought I had told him, but I guess I was wrong. I never really talk about my parents divorce with anyone. Even though I am so glad that they aren’t together anymore, it still hurts and sometimes makes me cry to think about the memories of my brother and me in our room, plugging our ears and singing to drown out the fighting.

I must seem so fake to people. I pretend like my whole life is so wonderful and act like nothing bad has ever happened to me, which isn’t the case whatsoever. I don't know why but I don't seem to let myself show any signs of vulnerability to the people I care about. I always look so strong and hide when things are difficult. I believe that attitude and perspective have a lot to do with happiness, but things can still hurt long after they are resolved! No matter how good a mistake or sin turned out in the end, the memory of the hard times will always be there, and they can always be painful to recall… which is something I have been learning a lot about this week.

One of my best friends is pregnant. It’s a very messy, complicated and somewhat sketchy situation, and it’s just been hard for me to wrap my mind around it. I’m still having some trouble dealing with it. I found out on Sunday afternoon from someone else. She has wanted to tell me about it ever since she found out in January, but just didn’t know how or when to do it. So I met with her and another good friend for dinner last night with the intention of bringing it up and just getting it out in the open. Hanging out was fun and we were joking around with each other but I could tell she was nervous. She was all shaky and red and even spilled her drink all over the table. She didn’t know that I knew about it but our other friend knew and knew that I knew (sorry if that confuses you). So I just went ahead and blurted it out, telling her that I heard the news.

Silence… “Uhh… Congratulations!” I said.

Awkwardness filled the air for just a short time. But it really wasn’t that bad once it was laid out on the table. My friend and I asked her a bunch of burning questions we had about her and the father’s relationship, and about what she’s going to do and so on. Both of my friends seemed awfully surprised at my reaction to this whole situation. In fact, one friend seemed so surprised that on the drive home she opened up to me about A LOT of personal things she’d been hiding from me for the past 3 years. It caught me off guard but it was sooo good for her to be honest with me.

I’ve always been known as the little goody two shoes out of my friends which causes them to withhold certain information from me, fearing that I would judge them. However, I have always been very aware of what’s going on in my friend’s lives. I may be innocent in many of these areas but I’m not naïve. I just wish they had felt comfortable coming to me with personal things and didn’t worry so much about my reaction. I won’t get upset. I won’t judge you just because you did something that you think I personally wouldn’t do. It isn’t my place to judge. I won’t compromise my beliefs, but what I want more than anything is to love and support my friends no matter what the circumstance is.

Easter Weekend Realizations: Marriage

2008-03-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

Easter was yesterday and after one big family fight the day turned out to be fantastic!

Greg joined me and my family in the afternoon at a friend’s house where there was an Easter egg hunt for about 15 kids. It was absolutely pouring rain when we got there but that didn’t stop the kids from wanting to play. So Greg and I helped a few of the dads hide the eggs throughout the yard. One parent said, "You guys better get used to this because someday you'll be parents doing all the dirty work." And even though they were just joking around there was a bit of seriousness to their comment. In reality, that’s going to be me someday, and that someday is catching up to me pretty quickly, which scares me to death.

The day before that Greg and I went to the park and ended up talking about our future together and what we thought about marriage. I felt very old and very young at the same time. I felt old for actually being at the stage in my life where this is a reality, and young, well, because I am young and marriage always seemed so far away… until now. I’ve always just told myself and others that we're “too young” and “in no rush,” and I just try not to think about it. We don't talk much about marriage so it was just kind of scary to have to think about it and give someone else my thoughts on the subject.

Marriage scares me.

Greg asked me what I thought about it and I said, "For me, it's not so much a matter of if, it’s more a matter of when." I love Greg a lot, but I don’t want to make any mistakes. I want to be ready and not feel rushed. I want to have a little more stability in my life. I don't want to go into a marriage with so much up in the air, like jobs and money and everything else. Greg said that we would just figure everything out and you'll have stress no matter what. But I said that I don't want to have all that stress right away. It's careless to go into a marriage that you know is going to struggle right away. There are certain things that need to be figured out before you make that commitment.

The thing is, I definitely feel too young to be married tomorrow, but in a year or so, I might be ready. That’s what an engagement is supposed to be for, time to prepare you for marriage. But I don’t want to get engaged until I’m ready to be engaged. And I don’t think it’s smart to be engaged when so much is unstable.

I have a lot of friends who are getting married this summer (five couples to be exact). One in particular is on my mind right now. To be honest, I feel like they are being very irresponsible about their first few years as a married couple. The groom is going to be in school for another year and a half, and the bride is graduating this June, but doesn't know where she will be working. What if she can’t find a job? They want to live in Seattle, but that is really expensive for two people and one income. And the bride wants to work about 30 minutes away by car (with no traffic), and at least 1 ½- 2 hours away by bus. She would have to leave early in the morning and get home late. And the groom will be really busy with school all week because his major is really intense. Not to mention that the wedding is just a few weeks before the groom goes back to school. I know they are in love and that’s great!... but from what I can see they still have a lot of things to figure out in these next few months.

I don't want my first year of marriage to be like that. It would be hard enough if my husband had a really long commute, or if he was still in school with a really intense major... but to have both of these things? Crazy. I mean, it’s hard enough for me to take care of myself, I can't imagine having to take care of Greg as well on my measly paycheck. That’s why I want Greg and me to figure some things out before we get engaged. Once you’re engaged life gets really busy and all you’ll want to do is plan the wedding… basically.

So that’s kind of what we are doing right now, figuring things out. We need to talk more about it because right now we're both kind of confused on where the other person is. We ran out of time the other day and it takes more than one conservation. It’s a lot to think about.

Bunny Rabbit

2008-03-22T11:24:00.000-07:00

My friend Heather got a beautiful little gray bunny rabbit off of Craigslist not too long ago. And this week, I fell in love with her. Nora is her name and curiosity is her game.

A few days ago I laid on the ground and let her run free throughout the living room. She is very curious and likes to sniff everything. She hopped up to me with her tiny little tail wagging about, and then proceeded to sniff my face as my cheek was flat against the wood floor. I loved the feeling of her cute little wiskers on my cheeks as I tried not to laugh and scare her away. Then she decided to jump on top of me and smell my ear. I could hear her little nose wiggling around and feel her soft paws on my neck.

Easter is tomorrow, and that just makes this worse: I want a bunny.

That "One Thing"

2008-03-19T16:48:00.001-07:00

Last night, I went out to this local pizza place with 3 of my roommates. Despite the fact that we ended up in the very back and the owner/waiter forgot about us, the food was good and the conservation was pleasant, although not very personal, which to be honest was kind of disappointing to me.

But an interesting topic was brought up that we only spoke of briefly, but has stuck with me. It has to do with passion and finding something that you are really good at and love doing. My roomates all said that they really wanted to find something they felt connected to or passionate about. L wishes she had a passion for something like E does for Ukraine. But then, trying to reassure L that it was ok, E said “yeah, but I always knew what I wanted to do (which didn’t involve Ukraine whatsoever), and this just complicates it.” K, another roommate, chimed in saying “I hope that I find something I really love doing while I’m in Europe.”

But it isn’t necessary, or practical for that matter, for everyone to have that “one thing” in their life that they excel at and love so much to the point where others immediately think of you whenever they hear the word, like E and Ukraine. I used to think that was what I really wanted: I just wish I could be really good at something… anything at all. Don't get me wrong, it’s not bad to be like E, but it’s not bad to be like me either. I would love it if I had a real obvious passion like her, but in reality I don’t need to.

People are competitive with each other and with themselves. We have this drive in us that makes us want to have that “one thing” that is unique. But are people who don’t have that “one thing” somehow less talented or passionate? No! If being great at something is important to you, well then go for it. But don't beat yourself up just because you haven't found true passion in anything. You might find that much later in life, or you may never find it. It’s great to have passion and talents life, but you can still be happy even if you don’t have that “one thing” that sets you apart from everyone else.

Dear Self,

2008-03-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

Sitting down and taking some quiet time to think about things is always a good idea. It really helps me because when I don’t intentionally give myself time to relax, I pack every minute of my day with something. Sometimes that’s something as mindless as drowning my night away with some good ol’ quality MTV reality shows, or you know… something ridiculous like that.

I think journaling is a great way to focus and put things together that didn’t make much sense before. I want to journal more often, whether that is with a physical hand written journal or this blog here. However, ever since I found my video camera over “Christmas break” (also known as my between jobs/ unemployment phase) I have wanted to start a video journal for myself. I think it would be really good for me to look back at myself in the future (a few weeks, months or years even). I feel like I make a lot of the same mistakes over and over again, and to journal about my experiences might help me to refrain from making them again… at least I’d hope so.

I wish I could say that I want to take the quiet time to reflect and grow closer to God, but I don't know if I'm ready to just say it like that. I think by taking quiet time to myself, my relationship with God will be changed because he is with me all the time. But I'm not sure I'm ready to just jump back into talking to Him all the time. I don't know what to do or where to start. I need to get focused, and not necessarily be selfish, but I'm trying to be realistic and honest with myself.

Now, if I could just find my video camera again...

Rethinking Friendships

2008-02-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

It's a three day weekend, but despite the happiness generally associated with such a long break, it is turning out to be a very difficult time for me.

I live with four other girls, all of whom seem to have disappeared this weekend, going home to be with their families. I however, did not. I have been here by myself in this big house, which has forced me to take a closer look at some of my unwatered relationships. I have many friends, but these past few days I've been trying to figure out just what the word "friendship" really means to me. I think a friend is more than just someone who I see a few times a week, and more than someone who happens to have many of the same friends as me. But I feel like that is what most of my relationships have turned into. There is nothing more than surface level anymore. I get invited to do things sometimes, but it always seems to be when it's the biggest group there is. I don't get asked to go on one-on-ones, or hang out with just a few people, it always seems to be a group of 10 or more, which makes it virtually impossible to do anything but make jokes and laugh a lot. The environment isn't conducive to really opening up or talking about things that matter.

Don't get me wrong, I love to laugh and have a good time with my friends, but there comes a time in every relationship where being goofy just isn't fun anymore. It actually becomes annoying and utterly frustrating to have a friend that doesn't know more than one side of you, or at least doesn't try. I'm not going to get mad at someone because they can't seem to understand me or the things I'm going through. There are certain people out there that I know I'm just not compatible with and who may never be able to see eye to eye with me. But I feel as though I have the right be upset or hurt by someone who claims to be my friend and then doesn't even bother trying to learn more about me. The relationship should grow into something deeper. But with so many of my friends that doesn't seem to be the case.

And what's hard for me is to think about all of that and realize that about 97% of my friendships fall into the "lets just have fun/surface level" category, and they never show the possibility of moving on to another level. So does that mean that I just choose really crappy friends who aren't capable of going deeper? Or do I need to take a good look at myself and realize that it's not always about someone else, but that I might be the one with the problem? I have a hard time putting blame on just one person. I think it's everyone. Nobody's perfect and if I've learned anything in life it's that the most difficult thing to handle is a relationship. People are complex and every friendship is unique and comes with its own set of baggage. I know that even though I may not always realize it, I have friends who make an effort to get to know me better, but I just don't see it.

This weekend I had multiple plans with friends, and despite my effort, I was blown off on every single one of them. I was encouraged to have a little party and invite everyone. It was really hard for me to work up the courage to do that because in my heart I knew that the vast majority of people wouldn't want to come. I feel insignificant around so many of my "friends" to the point where I am afraid to ask them to spend time with me for fear of rejection. But I did it anyways, I invited over 10 people, both in person, and via text messages, but only one person responded when I asked everyone to let me know as soon as possible. I was literally in tears last night looking at my phone every 10 minutes to see if anyone else was coming. After a few hours of this I decided to cancel it altogether to avoid an intimate and uncomfortable sleep-over with one male friend of mine. And even after canceling and giving everyone a great excuse to avoid hanging out with me, still all but one person said anything to me about it. I was so incredibly hurt last night by the lack of interest in me that so many of my friends showed, that I am still shaken up by it.

Am I that horrible of person that no one wants to spend any time with me? Am I boring? I am stupid? What? I may have insecurities about myself but when it comes down to it I think I am a great person. I love myself and I just wish others knew that side of me that makes me who I am. I am a very open and honest person. I don't try to hid anything from anyone who really wants to know. It might take a while to warm up and really dive deep into my thoughts, but I'll do it willingly, you just have to ask.

So now I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do to improve these relationships that keep tearing at my heart and making me feel insignificant. Trusting God with everything sounds wonderful and all, but what does that even look like in this situation? That might just be taking the easy way out to avoid having to do anything at all. "Oh God will take care of it." No, that's that always how it works. I am required to take action too. But how? What do I do? I don't know... I don't even know how to end this blog because I don't have a solution or happy ending or anything really to sum up my emotions at this moment. I guess I'll just have to end where I started from: a place of hurt, sadness and confusion.

All of Fall Y'all

2007-12-27T23:08:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I was last here. Switzerland feels like so long ago now and summer has come and gone once more. Scum of the Earth was new to me this summer and has thankfully managed to stick with me despite my inability to find a ride and take the bus alone to the U District at night. I came back and stayed in an apartment with Lindsey, Abby, Heather and Marissa until I found a house and a job.

Not going back to school in September was hard for me and has left me feeling very out of place for the past few months. Everyone around me was studying and going to class and talking about this new professor or that new program and so on. As they went on and on about these things in conservations I couldn't contribute to I felt as though there was no one for me to talk to about the new events in my life. No one was at this place I found myself exploring.

Greg left in September and sadly made everything that much harder for me. With a rocky and brief few weeks with Greg, after Switzerland and before Martha's Vineyard, he went away leaving me feeling very much alone and hurt. It wasn't his intention but none the less that's what happened. One night was so bad I was almost certain he was trying to break up with me. Leaving it at "we'll talk later" he took me home. Not even two seconds after Lindsey asked me how I was did tears immediately start pouring down my face. That next morning I took an early bus downtown and caught the 7am ferry to Bremerton where Greg's mom picked me up. I just had to get out of Seattle. With no job yet, and no home of my own, sitting around all day in someone else's apartment replaying everything that Greg had said didn't seem like the healthiest thing for me to do. So, without telling Greg, I went to his parents house and balled my eyes out there. The next day, Greg came home and delt with me. Things get fuzzy here. I'm not exactly sure what happened, probably because he was nice and polite and I only seem to remember the negative things. Anyways, we kind of just left our relationship like that. Fuzzy and lacking a real clear definition.

He went to Martha's Vineyard for school. I worked a 2 1/2 month temporary job as an Administrative Assistant at a non-profit. I turned 21 and went out to dinner with my old friends and new ones. I planned 2 parties and sewed a pillow. I started cooking big fancy dinners for myself. I had a life outside of Greg. And although it wasn't as fulfilling as my life with him, it was a life and I learned that I could have one without him around too.

This was a good discovery. And it came in perfect timing as I was about to go to New York to meet up with Greg for Thanksgiving and I didn't want to seem lonely and depressed, so very dependent on Greg's every move. Thankfully, I wasn't like that. I was me. I was happy, cute, comfortable, silly and excited when I got there. Meeting all of Greg's new friends was great but being with Greg again was the best part. We had so much fun hanging out with each other and I wouldn't change those memories for anything. I can't even begin to describe all of the fun I had. But I'll try.

All about my trip!:

I think my favorite part of the whole trip took place within the first few hours. My plane landed at the JFK airport at 3:30pm, but Greg was in some executive meetings in Manhattan at Sony, BMG and other major record studios and the like. He wasn't going to be done until 6om. So I took a train, then a subway, and then another subway into town by myself to try and find the hostel everyone was staying at. 2 hours later, I made it (not because I got lost, but because of the distance). Someone named Ashely who went to school with Greg met me at the hostel and let me in before she had to head to the airport to go home for Thanksgiving. Then I sat there, called my mom and Greg's mom and let them know I made it there, and waited. Greg said he wasn't gonna be there until like 6:15 or later. At 6:00 there was a knock at my door. I paused my iPod, got up off the bed, and opened the door. It was Greg with a silly grin on his face. I ran out into the hallway and jumped on him with excitement. As I was standing there hugging him yelling "Hi! You're a real person!" out of the corner of my eye I saw two guys who I only knew from pictures, Chris and Zack. They were down the hallway peeking their heads around the corner watching us. This was my favorite moment on the whole trip. Don't get me wrong, the rest of the trip was AMAZING. But there is something wonderful and unexplainable about seeing your best friend again after months of being apart. It's exciting and nerve-racking and so much more. Sigh... it's great! I wish everyone could know the feeling, but not have to deal with all of the missing someone for months part.

Moving on. I met all of Greg's friends that night at the hostel. They are so down to earth and fun and I wish they all went to SPU. Greg, Chris and I went out exploring New York (mainly Times Square and the surrounding area) and found a great Thai place for dinner. We ran into another group from Greg's school at Rockefller Center and walked around some more with them. We ended up in front of Macy's as they were painting the stage for the Thanksgiving Day Parade. We all stayed in the hostel that night.

The next day Greg and I took the subway to Queens to meet up with his 80 year old Great Aunt Christine and other Aunt Josephine. We went to her house and had an early Thanksgiving dinner with them and Christine's son Joe. We heard stories about their lives and Greg's grandma Pearl who pasted away 3 years ago. Greg and I stayed there for the remainder of the trip. We met up with some of his friends and went ice-skating in Central Park at night. We went to the Modern Museum of Art and saw a Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh and some of Monet's water lilies. We got up super early on Thanksgiving and found a great spot right on the street for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. We went to Battery Park to see the Statue of Liberty for afar. We went to Greg's aunts catholic church that she has been attending for the past 60 years and she introduced me to her friends as her niece. :) We did so much and yet so little that there is to be done in New York City. It's huge!

Then we took a 4 hour Chinese bus ride to Boston where we met up with some others from Greg's school. Then another bus to the ferry. Then the ferry to the island of Martha's Vineyard. And then a car to the Contempoary Music Center where Greg had been studying and working and living with 35 others for the past few months. I stayed there for 4 days and 3 nights getting to know Greg's friends and becoming friends with them. I went to classes with Greg, watched his band rehearse for their show and played some music with Greg in the studio. We also went shopping and sightseeing around the island getting to see the beach where Jaws was filmed. My time on the island was relaxing and fun. A nice break from the busy life of Seattle and New York. On the morning of my departure Greg skipped class and we went out to coffee at Mocha Motts (local to the island). Then he took me to the ferry and we said our goodbyes. I then took a cab to Providence, RI and flew away, back to Seattle.

This was the best birthday present I could ever ask for. Photos!:

And now, my family is living in Port Orchard again but my step-dad is fixing to go to Barain for the year. I found another temporary job but am continuing to job hunt for something permeant and exciting. Christmas was two days ago giving me sewing and ceramics to look forward to in the near future. And Greg came home a week ago with a smile on his face, music in his brain, and love in his eyes. We still have a lot to talk about, but I'm not worried anymore. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I love Greg and he loves me.

Summer

2007-08-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

Switzerland was AMAZING! I had an incredible time and it's definitely an experience I will never forget. I got to see so much and meet so many diverse and down to earth people. Five weeks in Europe just flew right by and I wasn't ready for it to end. Sometimes I just wish I was still there.

Geneva, Switzerland is beautiful. There are a lot of pretty wealthy people there though, and since it is such an international place and people only live there for a few years, there isn’t very much community. But that’s part of the reason I went there. I worked with this organization called Shema, and helped put together a weeklong service project, called EngaGE, in the heart of Geneva. We had well over 150 volunteers working at a local soup kitchen, a homeless activity center, a battered women’s shelter, as well as painting a local villa for people off the streets, working with high school drop outs, running a basketball camp for kids, walking around town to promote awareness for human traffiking, and even throwing a picnic with a water balloon fight for the single moms and their kids at the battered women’s shelter. It was a busy and intense week but I don’t think I I’ll ever forget it.

I also went on a trip to Brussels, Belgium to participate in a similar project called Serve the City. I was split up from my team and while they painted a courtyard, I got to paint a chapel for nuns. In the evenings though, I worked with the nuns and helped them serve food for the soup kitchen located just below the chapel. I was also privileged to worship with them three different times throughout the week. The nuns were some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. They kept asking me if I was going to become a nun someday. Haha… no thank you. I don’t think I have that much discipline. But it was definitely a highlight of my trip.

Here are just a few pictures from my trip:

In other news of the summer... I'm going to be bridesmaid at my ex-boyfriend's wedding. Haha. Should be fun. I'm excited about that.

And, I'm back in Seattle now! I was gone for 8 weeks and now, I'm back. My summer travels are finished. I really missed everyone here... but for some reason things still aren't quite back to normal. There all of this unexpected tension and awkwardness between me and some of my good friends. I hate it. I just don't understand what the deal is. There really is no reason for it, but it just wont go away. I mean, nothing happened, nothing went wrong. And when you don't know the cause it's kind of hard to find a cure. We'll see. Maybe things will get better over time.

I... have a house to move into now. But that was only after a really LONG time of searching for a house and calling and e-mailing everyone on craigslist and beyond. But all the stress and heartache is over with and it was well worth it because our house is amazing! It's in the Wallingford area and is a charming, colorful, spacious, incredibly priced two-story house in a great location! It's four bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and has a full kitchen on each floor. Thank goodness for that. I LOVE IT! The only bummer though is that I have to share a room. But that's ok because my roommate is awesome and we have the biggest room, the cheapest rent, and we can paint! Yay. My roommates are great and really care a lot about me. And they allow me to be myself and I feel completely comfortable around them. I've never lived with any of them before but I've been friends with them for quite a while and I don't anticipate any major problems.

Here are some photos of our house:

So things are ok at the moment. I have some really awesome things happening and then I have some really depressing things happening as well. Job searching is a nightmare. Seriously, it's been so difficult and stressful and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. And then of course it's hard to relax and enjoy life because my relationships with people just aren't that great at the moment. And Greg is leaving for Martha's Vineyard in less than a month. That's going to be really hard on both of us. He is my best friend and I love spending time with him. And he has been having an amazing summer and it's going to be really hard for him to tear himself out of these new relationships he's been building up. He is going over to the east coast to study music for 4 months. That's such a long time.

Hoepfully I'll update this again before that. Ha.

Skip It

2007-05-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am graduating in 39 days now. It is coming up faster than I can prepare for it. I have been super busy but I love it. Class, work, internship, SPRINT trip, Latreia, and so on. But all of that is about to end. In 5 1/2 weeks I will have a college degree (well another one if you count my AA). That is weird to me. I feel too young and not ready to have a full time job. All my friends will still be in school. Some days I am really excited to be done with school and am so sick of it, and other days I would kill to be a junior again.

But I've realized that it doesn't matter what I want because this is life and it's going to happen whether or not I am ready for it. I just need to be excited for what's next and prepare myself. I have been trying to figure out housing for next year and I've applied for one job and am currently applying for another. So I am growing up. Ah. I don't like this stage. I wish I could skip the 'growing up' stage and just be 'up' already. Is that too much to ask?

Faking It

2007-03-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

My family is great. They let me be the real me all the time. When I'm with them I'm funny, I'm fast, I'm smart, I'm talkative, and I'm a brat. But I don't act like this all the time... It is really hard to be yourself all the time. It never used to be a problem for me. I was always really good at being Andrea. I just didn't care so much about what others thought about me. I liked who I was and I wanted everyone to see the real me. I wanted friendships that were real and deep, and I knew that by being fake I wouldn't be able to get that.

Then, somewhere along the line, I let other people's opinions get the best of me, and I lost touch of who I was. I don't know quite when this happened or how, but it happened. And I started becoming more and more self-conscious about the things I did. I thought that by toning down my personality I would make some awesome friends and feel better about my life. But it did just the opposite. I ended up hurting the friends I had, and the friends I made weren't what I needed.

And now, I don't feel like anyone knows me anymore. I've changed a bit, but not so drastically that I have to start all over with everyone. I just don't know how to be myself. I love who I am and everything I believe. And I want my relationships to show that. I want others to know me, not this fake me that I've been portraying. I've accomplished this in some areas of my life, but not in all. The only person who knows the real me is God. But I want to be honest with everyone I know, not just God.

I hate what I let happen to me. I don't always feel very worthwhile. I'm not helping anyone by faking it, and being what I think they want me to be, because that's not what they need. And I believe what people need are real, honest relationships with people who love them. I want to provide that for my friends. I know I have it in me. I just need to step up and quit faking it.

I feel like I'm in hiding all the time and I want to come out... Time to make the leap.

Auction and Summer to Christmas

2007-03-11T21:39:00.000-07:00

My special events internship at Highline Medical Center Foundation is finally over! We had the big ol' auction at Quest Field last night and it was really fun. I dragged Greg along with me, thank goodness. If he wasn't there I would have been pretty bored. But we had fun together and the food was amazing. Oh yum. And we raised somewhere close to $300,000 to benefit the hospital. It was a success! And my boss gave me her personal e-mail address and told me that if I needed help finding a job after I graduate, and I want to work in fundraising, she has a lot of connections and could let me know where to go. I'm not sure if fundraising and auctions is really for me, but you know, if I need a job after graduation it would be a great place to start.

This is us after the auction:

In other news: There is pretty good chance that I wont be seeing very much of Greg after graduation. I will be in Switzerland and Belgium, and he will most likely be in Austria for mountaineering and leadership training. And then after the summer is over Greg will probably be going to Martha's Vineyard in Massachusetts for a semester to study music technology for his major. So he will be gone from the middle of August up until a few days before Christmas.

I think he should do it though. It is an awesome experience and he would be silly to pass it up. Don't get me wrong I'm really going to miss him but I think it's best for him to go do this. He hasn't traveled much and he hasn't really had the chance to do as much hands on experience as he will in the fall.

The only downside is that if we don't see each other in between Europe and Massachusetts it will be 6 months apart. So hopefully we will get to spend a week or two together before the semester starts. The best part is, I will be done with Switzerland on July 29, and Greg will be finished with Austria on July 31. And here's a little geography lesson for you: Switzerland and Austria are next door neighbors.

107 days and counting

2007-03-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

It's official! I'm going to Switzerland! I just found out yesterday while I was at work. I yelled really loud out of excitement and jumped up and down... and I work in a library if that shows you how much excitement I had.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND:

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM:

So this summer from June 22-July 29 I, along with like 5-8 other people (I'm guessing girls), will be in Switzerland and Belgium. I have never been to either place but I have always wanted to. I am just so happy right now.

I applied to be a team leader and didn't get it but that is totally ok with me. In fact, I am kind of glad because being a team member is a lot less stress and work. And the girls who are co-leading the trip will be amazing I'm sure. SPRINT core worked really hard on putting the teams together and I am anxiously waiting to see who my team members are.

But I guess I don't find out until our first meeting next quarter, which is lame but whatever. At least I already know who the leaders are, Leslie and Emma, and one other girl on the trip, Beth. I don't know her very well but I think that it will be great. She is good friends with my roommate, Lindsey. And as far as I can see Beth is such a down to earth, fun, and Christ-filled individual, and that is evident in every situation I see her in. I am really excited to get to know her and the other team members. My only hope is that we all become good friends and learn a lot through our shared experiences and from each other. I mean, that's 5 weeks with people I don't even know yet. I am nervous but my excitement overshadows my fear by far.

People Are Awesome

2007-02-26T18:46:00.000-08:00

Today while I was at work I saw a lot of people that I knew come in and go out. I talked to most of them. It was nice. I love working in place where so many of my friends are. After work I walked outside and saw my friend sitting on a bench. On the way home I also saw about 5 other friends and plenty of familiar faces. And then I thought about will happen after I graduate. I wont be surrounded in a place where so many of friends live and work and spend their lives. I wont be in place where I have this much in common with my neighbors. I wont be able to meet so many new people everyday. Something I have been thinking a lot about is who my friends will be after graduation.

Due to rather unfortunate circumstances I have seen so many of my friends from home this week. And I love it. I absolutely love my friends from home. We are all so different but we still love each other very much and know how to have a good time together. But we also know when it's time to be serious and know how to get together to be with a friend in need. We have been split apart for 3 years but we have all kept in touch and still get together just like always.

This may sound silly and in 5 years I may look back on this and say, 'yeah right,' but I really think that I will know my friends from home for a very long time. We have been through a lot together and even though life has taken us all in many different directions we continue to love each other and care for one another. I feel that besides Greg's amazing family and mine, that Ethan, Lynette, Bryan, Naomi, Josh, Alden and Emma will always be a part of my life. And I understand that it might sound ridiculous that I say that. And I know that these friends are all within an 1 1/2 hours from me at this point in my life. But I really think that if something ever happened to me, I could call any one of them and they would be there for me.

I think friends are so vital in a persons life. I have seen that this is true with Alden and other situations. I know that I have had good friends that have grown apart from me but I wont let that get me down. I have so many wonderful people in my life. SPU and Adventure of Faith have given me so many awesome friends, and I'm only twenty. I am excited to see what God will do with my relationships with others in the future.

I Didn't Even Realize

2007-02-20T22:11:00.000-08:00

Today was a weird day. My friend has been having a lot of problems lately and I didn't even realize it. I found out last week for the first time and I felt so blind. I should have seen it. I should have payed better attention to him.

I have a really good friend that has been suffering from depression for the past year, and has been suicidal more recently. He was just in the psychiatric ward for a week and I had no idea because he didn't tell me until he got out. I guess they put him on medication to deal with his depression but said that it wouldn't kick in for about 4 weeks. And during those 4 weeks is when he is supposed to be the most suicidal.

And then last night around 10:30 I get this phone call telling me that he tried to kill himself again last night. He swallowed a bunch of pills and once he realized what he did he called 911. So they took him to the hospital and his family came up. And then last night they took him back to the psychiatric ward where he is now. He said that the scary thing is that he doesn't want to kill himself and he doesn't feel like he can control it. It just sort of happens and then all of a sudden he realizes what he was doing. And that really scares me because that means that it isn't anything he is doing and there really isn't anything he can do to stop it. Depression is like a disorder not an emotion that you can control.

I just got back from the hospital visiting with him for a few hours. I'm going to go back again tomorrow, and probably again the next day and so on. I don't know how long he will be there because he has to go through these 4 different steps before he can be let out again. And they might be a little stricter considering the fact that he was just there a few weeks ago. I hope that they keep him there until his medication kicks in at least.

I don't know, I feel confused but just happy that he is safe right now. I am more afraid for when he gets out. I just don't know what's going to happen to him. I feel like I should have been a better friend. I knew that something wasn't right but I didn't know it was that serious. I mean, he has changed a lot over the years but I didn't think he was really depressed. And I just feel like there was something I could have done. And I know that it's not my fault and me being there might not have made a difference because he isn't depressed about his life, it is just a disorder (as far as I know). So I am trying not to put all of this blame and responsibility on myself because I know that isn't right.

But now, I know that he needs me. He needs people in his life to support him and be there for him and pray for him. He is one of my best friends and I want to make sure that I am there for him if he needs anything.

And right now I am not that afraid because he is still in the hospital. But once he gets out I will be afraid for him. No one will be there to watch him and keep him safe. He will have to trust himself. And I just don't know how that will work out. He tried that once and ended up back in the hospital. I have never had a friend with problem like this and I just don't really know how to react to it, or what to do about it.

I love him and I don't want anything to happen to him. I just need to keep praying and have faith that God is there taking care of him. There is nothing that I can do to make things better. I just need to keep trusting God with the situation. That's all I ever need to do.

Change is bad

2007-02-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

I was talking to Greg the other day and he seemed concerned about who I hung out with. He thought that I wasn't spending enough time with my friends. I explained that I hang out with people like Jamie, Elizabeth, Becky, and plenty of others, I'm not hurting with friends right now. But then he said something along the lines of, 'I'm just worried what you are going to do when you leave', referring to when I graduate. But then I explained that that wasn't even a concern at the moment.

But I have been thinking more about it lately. It's a good question. Where will I be with my friends once I leave? Who will I keep in contact with and who will keep in contact with me? Whether or not I want to admit it my entire life is about to change. I am leaving SPU and my friends aren't. I wont be able to relate to them with homework, part time jobs, or having limited and random amount of free time. I will have a completely different set of priorities and worries then my friends will have. And it worries me because I don't know who I am supposed to go to for comfort, except God obviously. But I think that it's important to have community and have close friends in the same place as me that I can open up to and talk to about things. But I don't know who that will be next year. I have a few acquaintances but I don't have a single friend that is graduating with me in June.

I love all of my friends and I don't want to loose them or gain any distance between us just because I don't have to write a paper and they do, or just because I don't have to do CFE and they do, or just because I will have loans to pay off and they wont, or many of the other reasons that will make our lives different.

Is that all that friends are for? Someone in your place with your same priorities and experiences? I hope not. I want to keep things the way they are with my friends.

I want to get together for John and Cory's birthday and have a bonfire.
I want to dress up with Jamie and Elizabeth and go out to dessert with the guys.
I want to dress up in blue and play scene it with Moorea and 20 other people.
I want to go see an intense movie with Becky.
I want to look up ugly dogs on google with Greg and Lindsey.
I want to laugh into the neck of Chris, my chum, and then laugh about it for forever.
I want to watch Gilmore Girls with Becky and Adri once a week.
I want to ride bikes to UW with Todd, Elizabeth and Greg.
I want to go out to Starbucks with my small group.
I want to have fun with my friends and love them.
I want to do whatever I can to make sure I don't distance myself from the people who are really important in my life.
I need to make them a top priority.

My friends are really important to me and I hope I never forget that, ever.

Feelings About My SPRINT Interview

2007-02-07T17:09:00.000-08:00

I would like to go to Switzerland and Belgium on a SPRINT trip this summer. I just had the interview this morning. I don't know... it went ok guess. I just didn't get to say everything I wanted to say. I feel like I just looked kinda unsure about the whole thing. But I am sure about it and I really want to go. I was just so nervous and I didn't know what to expect and it was a little intimidating being drilled by 3 people, one I barely know and the others I don't know at all. And I just don't feel very good about the whole thing.

It would be a really amazing experience to go as a leader, but when it comes down to it I think that the location is more important to me than the job title is. In the interview I told them that Switzerland/Belgium is really the only trip that I feel called to go on in some way. So they asked me if I would be ok going on the trip as a regular member if I didn't get the leadership position... and I said yes. So I don't know. I kind of feel like by saying that I pretty much just blew my chances at leading. But maybe that was just how it was supposed to be though.

I have been praying about it but I haven't been given a direct answer yet. I am just not sure what I am supposed to be doing with my life at this point. I wish I knew, but I really don't. I just want to do something to serve God and serve others but that could be so many things when you think about it. I am just trying to wait patiently but it is just hard.

I was just trying to be completely honest in my interview but I feel like that is impossible. There were so many things and so many feelings that I didn't get to talk about. I don't even know if I could have. I feel really all over the place in my head and my heart right now.

But I prayed about my interview quite a bit and I know that it went that way for a reason. It's out of my hands now. I wish there was something I could do but it's God's turn to take charge. I applied... I interviewed... the decision is up to SPRINT core. And I just pray that God will guide them in their decision making process. Whatever happens happens I guess.

l'amitié a besoin de soin

2006-05-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

Quelque de mes amiriés se meurent, comme mon ami John. C'est très triste mais c'est vrai. Aujourd'hui nous avons projecter de traîner mais il a oublié ou il ne m'a soucier pas. Je ne sais pas. Mais je sais que je suis en colère parce qu'il etait impoli. Et je n'ai voir pas John beaucoup. Je se manque.

L'appartement

2006-05-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

L'an prochaine, je vais habiter au appartement avec mes amies Becky, Adri et Lindsey. Mais le problème est que l'autre filles ne se connaissent pas. Et Lindsey a ennuyé parce qu'elle n'a parlé pas à Dieu avant elle a pris une décision. Mais nous avons parlé et je pense que c'est bien! Je les adore. Je m'amuse quand je suis avec Becky et Adri parce qu'elles sont ouvertes. Et quand je suis Lindsey, je peux être réceptive et parle de mes relations avec Dieu. C'etait bien! Je sens un rapport avec mes futures camarades de chambre.