I hate my job

I hate my job. I'm constantly annoyed with my coworker's bad decisions, lack of an actual work performance and ability to talk nonstop about personal things I don't want to hear about. I hate having to wear a stupid uniform consisting of black or gray pants, a white collared shirt and a silly little scarf. It makes me feel boring and ugly. My job isn't that spectacular to begin with so a uniform makes me feel that much more insignificant. I hate answering phone calls all day from people with attitude problems that treat me like I'm a total idiot and way below their social class. I especially hate getting yelled at when it's not my fault. I hate how my boss is never around and when she is all she does is lie about situations to cover her mistakes and horrible skills as a supervisor. I hate when people check in in the lobby and act like they are all high and mighty when I'm trying to check them in and make them a badge. Just speak up, tell me your name and don't walk away when I'm trying to ask you a question, jerk.

I want a new job sooooooo badly! I can't believe I've been here for 18 months now. I feel like I have nothing to show for it except longevity on my resume. But who really cares about longevity when the actual position is unimpressive. That's not gonna catch the eye of a potential employer.

I feel trapped. If I stay I'll be miserable but if I leave I'll most likely be unemployed. I've been searching for jobs since I started here but nobody wants me and very few are even hiring. I can't afford not to work but my self esteem can't afford to stay here. Besides, I'm getting married in less than for weeks. There's no way I can quit now. I already have the vacation approved and a solid paycheck coming my way.

I want to feel important and special and I want a job that reflects that. I want a job that makes me feel like my hard work and patience has paid off. But somehow I feel like that will never happen. I am beyond ready for a change.

Crunch Time

I am getting married in 39 days... in 2 full moons... 5 weeks from Saturday. There are many ways to say it but one thing still remains, I am getting married. It's coming up really fast. I thought I had months left but then one day I woke up and realized it was just weeks away. Everybody said it would fly by but I didn't want to believe them. I wanted to be the different one. The one that thought a 9 month engagement was slow and relaxing. But I that didn't happen.

I am realizing how similar planning a wedding is for couples. Your details may be different but the tasks are all the same. Dress fitting, menu selecting, favor making, photographer choosing etc. There are millions of tiny details that need to be solidified in this process and it just gets more and more overwhelming as time goes on. After a week of being engaged the massive To Do List started growing in the back on my mind. And I was able to put off a lot of things these past 8 months but with just 1 left we can't ignore things anymore. It's crunch time.

I'm just trying to focus on the excitement and not allow the stress to get to me.

I can't wait to...
...wear a beautiful handmade wedding dress that fits me like a glove
...dance at the reception with all of our friends
...be crafty and finish all our wedding projects
...move to Greenlake and live with Greg
...go to heaven on earth in Saint Lucia
...return to my happy place: New York City in November
...see everyone we know and love in the same room
...see all my family I haven't seen in months
...get presents from our registry and decorate our first place

If only I didn't have to worry about...
...getting everything done on time
...birth control
...actually being married and how different that will be
...moving all of my belongings to Greenlake
...making a seating chart
...marriage paperwork

To Do List That Never Ends

I have this strange feeling like I am constantly doing something wrong. There are so many things on my plate right now and when I start thinking about all of the things I need to do I get very overwhelmed. I can't do everything all at once and I can't always be working on something. I need breaks and I feel as though they are rare. When I'm at home I just need to sit down, relax and get to know my roommates but in the back of my mind I just keep thinking about all the things I need to do. I need to refresh but I for some reason I just can't do that. I pack my schedule too full and when I'm not out and about I start doing wedding things and neglect all the other things that I'm not making a priority.

Planning a wedding is really fun but it just requires sooooo much research and I can't just turn off the wedding planning part of my brain. It's on constant overload and I just want to get things planned and booked and taken care of but with the limited amount of time Greg and I have to work on things it's just taking forever. He is a slow thinker as it is and if I were planning this shindig by myself I'd probably be done with it by now. But I'm having to work on his pace. You can only work as fast and your slowest team member. I like to make lists and get things done but with the speed I've been on and the amount of things I have to do I feel like I'm only getting deeper and deeper. My To Do List is never ending.

Graduations

These past few weekend have been filled with graduation this and graduation that. Greg's mom graduated, his brother graduated, friends from home graduated and friends from college. 4 of my roommates, 2 of Greg's and many of our other friends walked across the big undergrad stage, shook the president's hand and gave out a huge smile for all their family and friends.

It was weird for me to see everyone graduate. I started college with all of these people and they are the ones I hang out with, live with and know. And now they are finished? I graduated 2 years ago already and what do I have to show for it? And now I hear everyone talking about the jobs they are applying for and the places they are going to work with such certainty. It's not that I don't have any faith in them but I know how hard it is to find a job after college. I've been there, and that was 2 years ago. The economy is a lot worse now than it was.

I got a fun job at a GREAT place after months of searching. But sadly, it was only temporary. The next job I had was pretty repetitive but the people I worked with were really fun and the hours were FANTASTIC. But again, it was a temporary position. And now I feel trapped at a lame job, with awful coworkers and crappy hours. I'd quit and get a better job but I'm afraid. The job I have now is safe, really safe. It it's one of the worst jobs I've had but at least I know I have a solid paycheck every week. I have dreams of working for a place that actually matters but with my experience and desires the positions available are few and far between. I want to work in fundraising and development at a nonprofit but the positions that are available are going to overqualified people with years of experience.

But still, as much as I tell myself that it's ok to be in the position I'm in, I still feel inferior when my friends job search and talk as if it's going to be easy to get a job. While my friends have been in school I've avoided talking about work. When I do talk about work I don't feel like they really understand how hard it is. They tell me to get another job or do something different but when you have rent, utilities, a car payment, expensive student loans and an upcoming marriage, finding another job isn't really that easy. I don't want my friends to have to go through awful job hunting and rejection but it is a life lesson that makes the idea of "the real world" much more understandable.

Moving and Disneyland

We are getting another roommate this month and to make room for her one of my other roommates and are moving into the same room together. I'll admit it's kind of a bummer to go back to sharing a room after having my own space for 9 months but I need the cheaper rent and it's just for a few months. I can survive. So I started the moving process last night. I moved my big bookshelf out of my room, put a few books and clothes in the Good Will pile, and went through all of my old school papers, texts and notes. I've been holding onto my school work for 2 years now, and I haven't even touched any of it until now. Is it time to get rid of everything? Do I really need that 30 page Organizational Communication paper I wrote 3 years ago? Or 3 notebooks of French vocabulary that I can find in my text books and dictionaries? Probably not. So I am planning on recycling all of my past papers. I'm keeping the important text books but I don't need an entire bookshelf of school work.

I never think I have that much stuff until I have to move and I see it all over the floor... in multiple rooms. But this is good timing because I can get rid of all my unnecessary items now before it's time to move into a new place right before the wedding and I'm all stressed out. It's exciting to downsize knowing that soon I'll be moving into my own (well, with Greg of course) place where we can decorate everything the way we want it and everything in the house will be ours. But it is weird to go through my things and ask myself, "Is this something Greg would want in our place?"

In other news, I just got back from Disneyland with my family! SOOOOOOO MUUUUUCCCCCH FUUUUUUUUN! We've been meaning to go on a family vacation for years but my family is always so busy moving or working or in school that we just never had the opportunity. But we finally did it! It was really nice to spend the week with my family. My dad just got back from a year and a half deployment to Bahrain, my parents are getting ready to move to Monterey, CA and I'm getting married in a few months. So this trip was a last family thing before there are any more of us (Greg). Sometimes it's hard to be with my family for that long. We fight, we get annoyed with each other and so on, but this trip wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was wonderful!

Dirty Andy

I was reading my friend's blog about how she's stopped caring about her appearance and it reminded me that I've been meaning to blog about that too.

I feel pretty yucky right now. If I don't shower when I get home tonight I'm afraid a neighbor might smell me and try to dose me with a hose. My last shower was Sunday evening (I think). I tend to do this a lot actually. Not intentionally but still, it happens often. I shower, and then wear my hair down the first day because it's all beautiful and clean. The next day or 2 I braid it off to the side to hide the fact that it's not completely fresh. And then by day 3 or even 4 on a bad cycle it's so greasy that I just put it all up tightly in the back with 2 braids on the side. Then I know it's time to shower again. I'm too lazy to change this pattern I seem to be stuck in.

I never wear makeup unless I'm going to a wedding or something dressy. I usually don't see the point. Although I wish I cared enough to try a little harder most days, because I do see the difference a little makeup can do.

And as for sleeping in, my alarm goes off at 7, snooze, 7:05, snooze, 7:10, snooze, then my second alarm goes off at 7:12, snooze, 7:15, snooze, 7:17, snooze, 7:20, snooze, 7:22, snooze, 7:25, snooze, 7:27, snooze, and then my third alarm goes off at 7:30 and that's when I actually get up. I need to be out of the house by 7:47 to catch my 7:50 bus. If you think I'm kidding... come over. I'm dead serious. I need to change this habit asap because in less than a month Lindsey and I are moving in together and I don't want to be the annoying roommate who hits snooze 10 times.

I need to take better care of myself. At least my hair is cleaner than Greg's most of the time. Haha.

Roaming

This weekend I went to the beautiful land of Canada with my mother on a mini-cruise. It was great timing because there were definitely some things I'd been wanting to get away from and I was finally able to do that. But as fulfilling as it was to take a break from some hurt going on in my life right now and have time to refresh I still felt a little lacking. I know it sounds super mooshy-gushy but I missed Greg. My cell phone was either in super expensive roaming or didn't even have service to begin with so I wasn't able to call him. It wasn't the end of the world though. We both survived. But I was sad and slightly worried just wondering what on earth he was up to. It reminded me of when I was in Switzerland and went a few weeks without talking to him.

There is unexpected empty feeling when you are disconnected from your best friend. I always think it's not a big deal and I can handle it but everyday I am experiencing and learning things and desperately wanting to share them with Greg. Silly couples that can't stand to be apart for more than a minute always make me wanna gag a little, but when I'm in their shoes I sort of have a little empathy for their situation. God calls us to share our lives with one another and be a part of each others lives. And when the one person you love the most isn't there it's easy to feel like something is missing.

I am really excited to hang out with Greg tonight and just be there together.

Excluded (mini vent)

I'm not expecting nor am I even asking you to be my best friend. I'm just hoping that when the conservation turns, as it always does, to topics I can't be a part of, that you fill me in a bit instead of leaving me to sit there silently in the dark. I'm tired of being excluded and left feeling stupid. I keep hoping something changes yet it never does.

I need to go on a walk.

Seattle

Lately I feel like my views on Seattle are changing. I have been learning more about my city and what makes it so great. Most of the time I can't fathom a city existing in the same class as Seattle. Everyone morning I stand on the corner of Wallingford and 40th, looking down the hill to Gasworks with the city skyline just across the water. To my right, I can see the Olympic Mountains standing tall above all the little houses. And to my left, the Cascades shine in the morning sun. It's an unbelievable view for a bus stop and always catches me with a smile.

Seattle is home to many major companies (Microsoft, Boeing, Starbucks, Holland America Line & Princes Cruises, Costco, Nordstroms, Kettle Foods, and more). We have the Space Needle, Underground Tour and EMP. I have never seen so many parks before as are in Seattle. Of course, there is our ferry system, the largest in the nation. And you can't forget Fraser, Grey's Anatomy, Sleepless in Seattle and 10 Things I Hate About You. And despite how much people think it rains here, Spring and Summer are probably the prettiest here than anywhere in the world. There is so much about Seattle that fun, exciting and beautiful and I always thought I wanted to stick around here forever. But now, I'm not so sure.

I do love Seattle, that's not a lie, but I want be somebody too. I want to travel and see the world. I want to find myself and I feel like Seattle is trapping me to stay exactly the way I am in my life. Seattle makes me feel content and that's not what I want out of life. I want to DO something worthwhile and Seattle isn't helping me figure that out. When I think of living here I think of getting married, finding a little apartment and moving on to a nonprofit development job in the city until we have some kids and move out into the suburbs. But I'm not so sure that's what I want or is what God wants from me for that matter.

I think what I need to do is see the world a little and let it break my heart. I feel as though there is something missing in my life and I think it might have something to do with the fact that I've only been able to see happy life and richer things in the United States and Europe. Greg and I have been talking about saving up money, and quitting our jobs to travel all over starting in South America. And just the possibility of that excites me.

Birthday

I've been neglecting my own personal blog since getting engaged because things have been busy and stressful and I've been sick like 4 times. When I have down time I don't really spend it quietly learning about myself. Instead, I research, wedding blog, plan, hang out with roommates and other friends, catch up on e-mails and worry about things. All of that stuff is important but there just never seems like enough time in the day to all of the things I need to do to stay healthy and on top on life. Life seems to squish me when it gets the chance.

So anyways. Today is Greg's 22nd birthday! Which means, we'll be married before he reaches another year. It's weird to think like that. Next year, will we have a party at OUR place for his birthday? Our place... now that's a new one. Living with a husband is still something I'm trying to get used to. Don't get me wrong, I love Greg and I really want to marry him. But the idea of actually being married is something that I don't know how to prepare for. I've never done it before. And no matter how much advise other married friends give me it's just not enough to truly understand it until I'm there. I'm feeling extremely excited and scared out of mind at the same time. I feel like I always have these mixed feelings. Haha.